The Ferguson Report: The 100th edition of Fake News You Can Trust
The New Daily is proud to present (drum roll, please) …
… the 100th Edition of The Ferguson Report: Fake News You Can Trust!
Much has changed since a man in a foreign land with a wacky hairdo and a fistful of fibs tricked his way to power (apart from the other man in another foreign land with a wacky hairdo and a fistful of fibs who just tricked his way to power).
Australia suffered another election replacing the government with the same government and the PM with a man who was actually elected PM.
And Barnaby Joyce remained Barnaby Joyce – freshly squeezed.
Thank you to all the fans who make The Ferguson Report the narrow winner of World’s Most Fake Media Award.
Enjoy some highlights from the 100 editions…
AUSTRALIAN POLITICS
Soon-to-be-Ex-PM Malcolm Turnbull is relaxed about his imminent Ex-PM role. “I can’t wait to undermine the re-elected Tony Abbott like the old days,” he said. “It’s a dream-job. Zero responsibility, 100 per cent fun!”
The Prime Minister du jour said, “It’s the denials I look forward to: ‘Tony is my BFF.’ ‘Tony’s sooooo right.’ And my favourite – ‘Tony has my complete and total loyalty’.”
Tony Abbott offered his complete and total loyalty.
August 4, 2017: GAY MARRIAGE NEITHER HERE NOR NOWHERE
LNP MP Tim Wilson refused to answer questions on Sky News about government squabbles over gay marriage.
“I’d rather talk about something else that actually matters to the Australian population,” said Wilson.
An exasperated government spokesman agreed. “Gay marriage is irrelevant to all Australians. As proof, we will stop the entire nation for a plebiscite vote. It’s worth the enormous expense ($160m) to show how completely unimportant it is. Australians don’t care, and they’ll spend whatever it takes to prove it.”
January 11, 2019: FAR-RIGHT CLUB
Alleged Prime Minister Scott Morrison has condemned the far-right rally of desperately dateless, slack-jawed numpties.
Scomofo defied the St Kilda rally organisers, the extremely extremist Backward Front saying: “Australians are not anti-migrant, nor racist.”
“Apart from the Australians at the rally,” clarified a spokeswoman.
“We are not racist,” said a White Supremacist genetic throwback to the time before dentistry. “We are against black Sudanese immigrants. See the difference?”
A bow-legged orc with immaculate breeding said: “Stop the African gangs. Australia’s gangs should be as white as the Ace of Spades [which, if you think about it, is a mostly white card.]”
April 26, 2019: LABOR IN LABOUR
Labor’s ‘big target strategy’ has accidentally made Labor a big target.
“We head-butted franking credits to give retirees a nappy-wedgie,” said a Labor stooge dressed as the side of a barn. “It’s Election Class 101 to avoid things nobody understands, but Chris Bowen skipped that class.”
A Liberal spokeswoman clapped happily. “Nobody actually knows what ‘franking’ is, but we’re sure it’s condemned in the Bible.”
Pollsters agree the race is neck and neck. But the winner will be News Corp.
NEW ZEALAND
The Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern, has shocked conservatives worldwide.
“Overreach!” shouted a motherly mother from mothers’ group Mothers For Mothers. “First, she chewed gum, and we thought that was pushing it. But now she is walking and chewing gum at the same time. She can’t have it all!”
After Ardern defiantly walked and chewed, she relaxed with her favourite pastimes – raising her newborn baby and running the country.
HEALTH
November 24, 2018: NATUROPATHY AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS
According to anecdotal evidence, naturopathy is a thing.
The “science” of “natural” “medicine” was first invented by people who are long-dead. “It” is based upon “evidence” gathered by websites who only have financial gain to gain.
A “naturopath” wearing a corduroy suit and spectacles on a string said, “Homeopathy is a tiny but miniscule example. The power of ultra-diluted medicine is literally incalculable. But be careful of overdose.”
He drank a glass of water and miraculously survived.
November 24, 2018: ANTI-VAX ANTI-FACTS
Australia’s last surviving anti-vaccine activists have scoffed, coughed and wheezed at a new Danish study proving the mumps-measles-rubella vaccine does not increase the risk of autism in children.
Researchers who studied 650,000 babies born in Denmark found there is absolutely no association.
“The Danes aren’t that great,” said ‘Vaccine Maxine’, an anti-vaxxer non-chin-waxer. “We deserve a voice (between bouts of coughing and hospital visits).”
“Research is bogus!” said a home-schooled quinoa-licking spokesman in an iron lung. “Alternatives to alternative facts make my skin crawl and come out in spots.”
SCIENCE
July 14, 2017: FLAT EARTH THOUGHT BUBBLE POPS
A Flat Earth guesswork expert shocked scientists when she declared, “The earth is not flat.”
A CSIRO spokeswoman expressed relief. “Phew! We were worried Galileo was crazy, Stephen J Hawking’s words are just an App and global warming is shaped like a ping-pong table.”
But the Flat Earth denialist presented a new theory. “The Moon is flat. That’s right – the Moon. We admit the Moon’s a circle, but it’s flat as a frisbee. That’s how they got it up there in the first place.”
TRUMP
US President Donald Trump claims he is the victim of a ‘witch hunt’. Speaking at a fireside press conference deep in the Washington Woods, Trump waved a beheaded chicken at journalists. ‘I saw Hillary dancing with the Devil,’ he said.
The President cavorted naked around the bonfire. “No politician in history has been treated more unfairly than me,” he chanted. When reminded Abraham Lincoln and JFK were assassinated, Trump said, ‘Sure, but they got great media.’
He howled at the moon, jumped in a pond… and floated.
US President-Between-Meals Donald Trump has accused comedy show Saturday Night Live of being an “ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE”. Trump posted his all-caps, too-busy-for-grammar tweet after Alec Baldwin satirised Trump’s border wall crisis-what-crisis.
But America’s actual ‘enemies of the people’ (ISIS, the KKK and billionaires with time on their hands) have complained the term is losing all meaning.
“We put in the hours, plotting, scheming, hating,” said a KKK spokesman who shall remain nameless, faceless and illiterate. “And this is the thanks we get? I’m so angry I could ruin a bedsheet and pointlessly kill someone.”
Trump meant to tweet ‘ENEMY OF THE PERSON’, claiming that his Government is “Of the Person, by the Person, for the Person.”
WORLD
January 11, 2019: MILLENNIALS TIMELESS
A psychology study has described the ‘Millennials’ generation as “ungrateful parasites”, without wishing to hurt their precious feelings.
The study claims, “Millennials are almost as self-centred as Gen-X whiners, Baby Boom house-hogs, 1920’s Gatsbyites, Victorian Era ‘Tweens’, Elizabethan Era ‘Twixts’ and the snarling yoof of Ancient Greece.”
A Millennials spokesbeing posted a devastating rebuttal on an app of some sort.
100 FAKE HEADLINES…
GIFT OF GYM MEMBERSHIP TAKEN PERSONALLY
ARTS STUDENT FEELS SUPERIOR FOR NO REASON
BILLIONAIRE WILL TRICKLE DOWN IF YOU DO
GREENS VOTER CLAIMS IT’S BETTER THAN CHOOSING A GOVERNMENT
CONSPIRACY THEORIST SAYS CHEMTRAILS MAKE YOU PARANOID
BANKS RAISE INTEREST RATES TO TEACH US A LESSON
DUTTON WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO LOSING THE NEXT ELECTION
FREE SPEECH ADVOCATES WANT STEVE BANNON SILENCED
1-NIGHT STAND GUY CAN’T REMEMBER OWN NAME IN THE MORNING
SPERM WHALE SICK OF THE JOKES
ANTI-VAXXER DIES OF NATURAL CAUSES
“NATO” TO STAND FOR “NEED ANOTHER TREATY ORGANISATION”
HIPSTER INSISTS HE’S NOT A HIPSTER
PAULINE HANSON SPEAKS KNOWLEDGABLY ABOUT SOMETHING
PSYCHIC NEVER SAW THIS DAY COMING
FRENCH PRESIDENT OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE
DESPITE GAY MARRIAGE BAN, THE HOT SEX CONTINUES
TRUMP LEAK OBSCURED BY NEW TRUMP LEAK
VLADIMIR PUTIN LAUGHING MANIACALLY & STROKING WHITE CAT
ONE NATION DIVIDED
AUSTRALIAN KIDS EVEN DUMBER THAN THEIR PARENTS
COMMUNITY RADIO HOST SAYS ‘UM’ A LOT
INNER-CITY LEFTIE AGREES WITH OTHER INNER-CITY LEFTIE
CHANNEL TEN SHARES DROPPING LOW ENOUGH FOR THE OWNERS TO BUY IT AGAIN
VEGAN SMUG FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON
UNIVERSITY MARXIST CLAIMS ‘ANY DAY NOW’
TEEN CLAIMS NOBODY HAS EXPERIENCE LOVE LIKE THIS
TINDER DATE BACKFIRES IN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
SEX NOT WHAT IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE
COPS BUST JOINT SMOKER DURING ICE EPIDEMIC
GLOBAL-WARMING DENIER BUYS HOUSE ON HILL
BIKIE CLAIMS IT’S NOT RACISM IF YOU HATE EVERYONE EQUALLY
GAY MARRIAGE PLEBISCITE MAKES NOBODY’S BUSINESS EVERYONE’S BUSINESS
HIPSTER CLAIMS RETRO IS THE NEW RETRO
WINDFARM COMMISSIONER CAUSES MYSTERIOUS HEADACHES
STARSIGNS MIX-UP HAS ZERO EFFECT
NBN NEARLY AS EFFECTIVE AS STRING BETWEEN TWO TIN CANS
‘THE BACHELOR’ HOPES TO MEET A SKINNY BLONDE FAME-HUNGRY MISFIT
DRAMA TEACHER CLAIMS IT’S A THING
DESPITE 13 YEARS OF SCHOOLING, AUSSIES CAN’T TELL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “YOUR” & “YOU’RE”
SHOCK AS DOG GIVES LOOK OF DISAPPROVAL
GINA RINEHART EARNED EVERY PENNY
CLIMATE DENIER CLAIMS MATHEMATICS IS FAKE
GOD CLAIMS ‘KNOWING’ SIN IS NOT THE SAME AS ‘WATCHING’
GOLDFISH PREPARING TO VOTE LABOR
GOD-BOTHERER BOTHERS SATAN TOO
LOVESTRUCK COUPLE COMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER ONLY
QUINOA USED AS FOOD SUBSTITUTE
‘GAME OF THRONES’ EPISODE GRATUITOUSLY BEHEADED NAKED
MOST LNP CABINET MEMBERS ELIGIBLE TO GOVERN ELSEWHERE
COURT RULING: “BUT I’M FROM ADELAIDE” IS NO EXCUSE
‘ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR’ DOESN’T
TRUMP FIRES AUTOCUE
ONE NATION SENATOR FROM TWO NATIONS
OWNER’S SIDE-STEP FOILS CAT’S MURDER PLOT
ADANI MINE LESS POISONOUS THAN 2 ADANI MINES
ANTI-SAME-SEX ACTIVIST WANTS TO TREATED EQUALLY
FAKE NEWS LACKS UNBELIEVABILITY
SCOMO PUTS ISRAEL EMBASSY IN TRUMP TOWER
BANKSY ART NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT’S SHREDDED ON
CANADA FLAG CHANGED TO RED DOPE LEAF
WHO WOULD JESUS SEND TO NAURU?
PM IN POWER CRISIS POWER CRISIS
PAULINE HANSON ADMITS SHE FELT SAFER IN THE BURQA
HYPOTHETICAL ANTI-GAY CAKE SHOP SICK OF BEING USED AS AN EXAMPLE
COAL IS RENEWABLE IF YOU WAIT LONG ENOUGH
CORY BERNARDI ‘GENDER-MORPHING’ INTO A CRY-BABY
AUSTRALIAN BUREAU OF STATISTICS BECOMING A STATISTIC
CORPORATIONS CLAIM TAXES ARE FOR POOR PEPOPLE
ANTI-GAY-MARRIAGE HETERO COUPLE ENJOY LEATHER, RUBBER, COLLARS, SPANDEX, PORN, ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSHES, ICE CUBES, ZUCCHINIS, CHILLI SAUCE
THERESA MAY NOT
TASTE OF NEW ‘PREMIUM’ VEGEMITE OVERPOWERED BY VEGEMITE
NO-VOTER SAYS KNEE-JERK PREJUDICE IS COMPLEX, MULTI-FACETED, NUANCED
TAROT CARD READER CLAIMS ‘YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!”
BABY FORMULA RIOT STRENGTHENS BONES, TEETH
GOD LENIENT TOWARDS PREJUDICE
DOPE-SMOKER CLAIMS FLOURIDE NUMBS YOUR MIND
HIGH SCHOOL PROTESTER THINKS IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE
SEX THERAPIST CURES SELF REGULARLY
BARNABY JOYCE JOKE WRITES ITSELF
ABC ‘Q&A’ PANEL BIASED AGAINST EACH OTHER
ANTI-VAX COMMUNITY MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARING
FAKED MOON LANDING COST MORE THAN MOON LANDING
ADANI MINE NOT YOURS
GOVT CHILDREN SCREEN TIME LIMITS GUIDELINES BEATEN BY TANTRUM
REIKI FAILS TO CURE GULLIBILITY
NOAH’S FLOOD RETURNING VERRRY SLOWLY
CAT WILL COMMENCE ‘OPERATION MURDER’ AFTER NAP
TRUMP CLAIMS FBI IS ‘GREAT’ BUT ‘CORRUPT’ BUT ‘THE BEST’ BUT ‘LIARS’
PM RE-SHUFFLES CABINET FROM BOTTOM OF THE DECK
CHINA’S DARK SIDE OF THE MOON LANDING “CHEAPEST FAKE VIDEO EVER”
NERVOUS COUPLE DANCES LIKE CORY BERNARDI IS WATCHING
TRUMP SHUTDOWN PAID FOR BY MEXICO
SKY NEWS HOST ACCUSES ABC OF BIAS
OPRAH PLAN TO BOOST FREE CAR INDUSTRY
BITCOIN NOT WORTH THE AIR IT’S WRITTEN ON
OSCARS SPEECH-STOPPING MUSIC TO BE USED IN PARLIAMENT
SEAT OF BATMAN NOT SEAT OF BATMAN
STOCK EXCHANGE IN SAFE HANDS OF GREEDY PANIC MERCHANTS
GOVT CLOSES CLOSING-THE-GAP GAP
NEW AUSSIE SUBMARINES SECRETS SAFE WITH FOREIGN DESIGNERS
AUSSIES WANT OLYMPICS TO INCLUDE ‘THE BIFF’
NDIS ROLLS OUT, ROLLS IN, LIES ON BACK STARING AT CEILING
‘JETSTAR FLIGHT’ USED AS IRONIC TERM
MOTHER NATURE ASKS FOR GENDER REASSIGNMENT
MAN ‘SPLAINS MANSPLAINING
ENGLAND SUDDENLY FEELING LIKE A SMALL ISLAND
RBA boss gives pulse check on Trump tariff whack
