The Ferguson Report: Malcolm Turnbull’s dream job

Tim Ferguson
Jun 30, 2017, updated Jun 30, 2017

TRUMPCARE PLAN MAKES SOME KIND OF SENSE

Fake journalists have asked US President Donald Trump why America won’t adopt the Australian Medicare system. Trump said: “I wish we could, but Australia is upside down.”

There were no further questions.

ONE NATION SPLITS KIDS

Senator Pauline Hanson has doubled-down on her demand that kids with disabilities be separated from average stupid kids.

A spokesman said: “Average stupid kids can be easily distracted from their self-improvement steps of squinting at the blackboard or punching smart kids.”

Parents of stupid and thuggish children protested against Hanson’s policy. “My son is a gormless bully,” said a mother. “If you take away his disabled classmates, who else can I blame?”

CHRISTOPHER PYNE HIDES POLICY IN CLOSET

School Prefect of the Not-So-Liberal Party Christopher Pyne has reversed his demand for the legalisation of same-sex marriage.

“I’ve changed my tiny mind,” he said. “I now prefer our doomed plebiscite plan.”

Asked if the national vote was truly doomed, Pyne placed his hand on his tiny heart. “It’s as doomed as a Cory Bernardi comeback.”

A LNP spokeswoman said: “We love gay marriage, but not in that way”.

PM TURNSTILE

Soon-to-be-ex-PM Malcolm Turnbull is relaxed about his imminent ex-PM role.

“I can’t wait to undermine the re-elected Tony Abbott like the old days,” he said. “It’s a dream-job. Zero responsibility, 100 per cent fun.”

The Prime Minister du jour said, “It’s the denials I look forward to: “‘Tony is my BFF’. ‘Tony’s sooooo right’. And my favourite – ‘Tony has my complete and total loyalty’.”

Tony Abbott offered his complete and total loyalty.

GREENS EATING THEIR GREENS

Greens Senator Lee Rhiannon has been condemned for disagreeing with Greens party policy.

At a robust committee meeting, Rhiannon told Greens leader Richard Di Natale: “The education policy Gonski 2.0 will kill whales and increase greenhouse gases. Not mention the effect of phonetic spelling on endangered parrots.”

This sparked an all-out brawl in which Di Natale was punched in the quinoa.

No whales were saved.