The Ferguson Report: Trump’s plan to combat the latest threat, toddlerists
Vote counting all but done, Australia is feeling all warm and decidedly sleepy. Photo: TND
NATUROPATHY AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS
According to anecdotal evidence, naturopathy is a thing.
The “science” of “natural” “medicine” was first invented by people who are long-dead. “It” is based upon “evidence” gathered by websites who only have financial (not personal) gain to gain.
A “naturopath” wearing a corduroy suit and spectacles on a string said, “Homeopathy is a tiny but miniscule example. The power of ultra-diluted medicine is literally incalculable. But be careful of overdose.”
He drank a glass of water and miraculously survived.
TRUMP THREATENS TODDLERISTS
US President Donald Trump has authorised ‘lethal force’ against the Mexican migrant caravan, which includes hundreds of toddlers and babies.
Speaking about the infants, he said, “You’re dealing with a minimum of 500 serious criminals.”
A Whitehouse spokeswoman said, “Those kids are the worst. There’s nothing as smooth as a baby’s bomb. Thrown toys will be regarded as weapons.”
IMMIGRANT NATION AGAINST IMMIGRATION… NOW
Coincidental Prime Minister Scott ‘The Whole World In His Hands’ Morrison said he will cut Australia’s immigration if re-elected.
He used the phrase ‘if re-elected’ as if it’s plausible.
Morrison claimed, “Australians are saying ‘Enough! Enough! Enough! Suficiente! Pausa! Arketa!’ The roads are clogged, the buses and trains are full.”
“The answer is not more roads, buses and trains,” said a spokeswoman in a cap saying ‘Make Australia Deflate Again’.
Fake media asked how Australia’s ageing population will survive without regular renewal from young migrants. “How? I’ll tell you,” she said. “If re-elected.”
A crowd of Young Liberals rattled their fathers’ boat keys and joyously chanted “If re-elected! If re-elected! If re-elected!”
A National Party MP climbed from a jacuzzi to say, “Immigrants? Hmph! The only thing worse than a foreigner is an Australian foreigner.”
CRICKET AD BOWLED TO WET PATCH
The furore over Cricket’s “I’m coming!” campaign will be gently soothed by a new ad, with cricket celebrities saying, “I’m calming!”
A script for the campaign was obtained by The New Daily:
CLOSE UP:
A Cricketer covered in a light sheen of sweat, lights a cigarette and winks. “I’m calming.”
SLOW PAN:
A Commentator with tussled hair drops off to sleep whispering, “I’m totally calming now.”
CRASH ZOOM:
A Former Cricket Star thumbs an SMS: “I want to calm again.”
A spokesman panting from unknown exertions said, “This new campaign should wipe up the mess. The first ad left us with egg all over our O-faces.”
In other news…
IMMIGRATION CRISIS STARTED IN 1788
BOSS SPENDS PENALTY RATES SAVINGS ON YACHT
TINDER GUY SAYS IT’S HIS FIRST TIME
BREXIT ACTUALLY A GERMAN IDEA
ADELAIDE MISTAKEN FOR CITY
