The Ferguson Report: PM hopes Clive can put some fat on his vote tally

Tim Ferguson
Apr 26, 2019, updated Apr 27, 2019

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND

PM GETS INTO BED WITH CLIVE [NO PICTURES]

The Labor and Liberal parties were willing to move mountains to secure a preference deal with Clive Palmer, but no-one could shift Clive.

Finally, the Prime Rib Minister Scott Morrison baked Clive a cake, and said he can eat it too.

The preference deal will secure Palmer a Senate seat with extra snoozing room and a drinks tray.

Liberals will place Palmer’s party ahead of Labor (as if it won’t backfire horribly), and above One Nation, Katter’s Australian Party and Fraser Anning’s Rottweilerdoodle.

A soapy insider in the Canberra bubble said: “The Liberals were busy brown-nosing Clive while Labor were caught between brown-nosing and green-nosing. Meanwhile, Clive remains on the nose.”

A government spokeswoman buying nickel shares said: “We need the votes of the Far-Right Club who’ve jumped from One Nation to Clive Nation. White supremacist, canetoad-licking kneejerkers are people too (if you don’t look too closely).”

AVENGERS ACTORS DRESSED WORSE THAN THE AVENGERS

Actors’ fashion was criticised when they walked the red carpet at the Los Angeles world premiere of the final (but not really final) Avengers movie, Avengers: Endgame [But Not Really The Endgame].

But fashion critics are wearing thin. They praised the male actors for wearing pants, shirts and a jacket of some sort. Robert Downey Jr was wearing mutton dressed as a vegan alternative.

However, the female actors’ gowns were nitpicked by female fashion critics who have yet to hear about the advance of women’s identity in the 21st Century.

A US fashionista said, “I’ve seen better dressed nudists.”

A fashion critic shot back at criticism saying, “You’ve got to draw the pantyline somewhere.”

LABOR IN LABOUR

Labor’s ‘big target strategy’ has accidentally made Labor a big target.

“We head-butted franking credits to give retirees a nappy-wedgie,” said a Labor stooge dressed as the side of a barn. “It’s Election Class 101 to avoid things nobody understands, but Chris Bowen skipped that class.”

A Liberal spokeswoman clapped happily. “Nobody actually knows what ‘franking’ is, but we’re sure it’s condemned in the Bible.”

Liberals have opted for a ‘no target strategy’ by having no policies. A Labor MP complained, “What a bunch of frankers!”

Pollsters agree the race is neck-and-neck. But the winner will be News Corp.