The Ferguson Report: From Brexit to Bremain

Tim Ferguson
Jul 20, 2018, updated Oct 01, 2020

Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND

BREXIT STAGE RIGHT

Former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has demanded PM Theresa May “save Brexit” from becoming a practical solution to Britain’s exit from the world.

Speaking from his bed-hair, Boris decried May’s decision to maintain links to Europe (a continent whose identity evaporated when the Eurovision Song Contest included Australia).

A Tory spokeswoman in a tin boat said: “Our dream was to surrender Europe to Germany without a shot fired. But Theresa is inflicting us with the calamity of co-operation. Now we are forced to build a wall across Ireland instead of around it.”

Britain declared ‘Brexit’ will be renamed ‘Bremain’.

AUSSIE HOUSE PRICES PLUMMET TO UNAFFORDABLE LEVELS

House prices have dropped to the level of “ludicrous”. Despite a minor crash-positions-please correction, houses remain beyond the reach of even the tallest Australians.

“The price-drop is great news,” whispered a government insider stuffing cash into a suitcase. “Australians’ chances of buying a home have improved from ‘non-existent’ to ‘homeopathic’. This bubble slump means people can now afford a house brick upon which they can sign their very own mortgage default papers.”

GANGS CRISIS – WHAT CRISIS?

Home Affairs Minister Peter Finger-On-The-Dutton has hit back at critics of his campaign to inflate the African gangs crisis.

A government spokeswoman in a bed sheet said: “The numbers are skyrocketing like skyrockets. Not since the toe-stubbing outbreak of 2017 where two people stubbed their toes – in the same month – have we seen such tiny but terrifying numbers.”

MARK LATHAM TAKING OVER ONE NATION

In the shortest-term plan ever devised, Pauline Hanson is bringing Mark Latham to lead the One Nation Front. A spokesman chewing a chalk and cheese sandwich, said: “It’s nitro and glycerine, together at last.”

A One Nation member who chose to remain at a safe distance praised Latham. “He’s just like Pauline, without her clear thinking and command of English.”