Introducing the Personality Review Panel


1. Personality Review Panel

Major Australian news companies have created the world’s first Personality Review Panel to determine the punishment for outspoken public figures.

Media outlets met to formalise the disciplinary body following the controversial outbursts of young tennis stars Nick Kyrgios and Bernard Tomic at Wimbledon.

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“With the inevitable sledging nasties sure to appear during the Ashes, we felt it was time for consistency in our character assassinations across platforms,” said PRP spokesman Howard Beale.

“A centralised system best co-ordinates a vicious, sustained attack on our targets.”

Beale admitted that those “targets” would almost exclusively be young sportspeople.

Kyrgios came in for plenty of criticism for his behaviour at Wimbledon. Photo: Getty

Kyrgios came in for plenty of criticism for his behaviour at Wimbledon. Photo: Getty

“People expect politicians to be abhorrent, but they care when a kid who swings a racquet or kicks a ball says or does something stupid,” he added.

Under the proposed scheme, the PRP’s squad of junior intern bloggers will determine for how long the perpetrator will be lambasted on the internet, the front pages of newspapers, on drive-time talkback radio and at the opening of nightly TV news services.

Illustrating the system, Beale said Tomic’s post-loss rant at Wimbledon about Tennis Australia and Pat Rafter would have been rated a two-week offence under the PRP.

“He had plenty of priors, so his spin doctors would not have been able to accept a guilty plea and get it downgraded to one week of blanket ridicule,” he said.

Beale explained that the PRP has also graded judgemental language to help news agencies insult sportspeople most fittingly.

“For a first, minor offence, a clean-cut kid we have endorsed will get off with a reprimand and comments along the line of ‘dill’, ‘nong’ or ‘goose’, which do not amount to enough activation points to bring on a whole week of full-blown smearing,” he added.

“For worse or second offences, it goes up to ‘knob’, ‘pain in the a***’, ‘d***head’ and ‘f*** wit’ and all their fancy broadsheet equivalents like ‘poor role model’, and ‘disappointment’.

Press council spokesman Lou Grant praised the introduction of the PRP.

“It’s really streamlining the process,” Grant said.

“If there are any objections, we can just point to the PRP code and say, ‘look, it’s a points-based system, we have no choice!’

“It’s good business sense to belittle, humiliate and castigate sports stars in the most efficient manner possible.”

2. Aged Care

We know which exercises to avoid in order to reduce ageing – that’s all over the internet.

Joe Daniher's kicking for goal is of great frustration for Essendon fans. Photo: Getty

Joe Daniher’s kicking for goal is of great frustration for Essendon fans. Photo: Getty

But which supposedly fun pastime causes us to age faster? Inaccuracy.

Watching your team kick away an AFL game with a succession of misses from set shots has been confirmed as a major cause of internal tissue trauma, which will leave you looking like a withered prune a decade early.

Golf, punting on Lord Of The Sky when it is favourite and watching Parliament are next in line as activities which bring on stress, disillusionment and skin atrophy.

3. Swinger’s ball

The English and/ or British name their Ashes cricket ball of choice the ‘Duke’.

We name ours after the nuggety, dependable Kookaburra.

You know what you are getting when your ball is named after a puff-chested, snake-eating merry, merry king of the bush who only opens his mouth to laugh. That’s a ball with values.

But a Duke? Who knows what you are going to get? An inbred, entitled drain on the state whose only skill is attaching a cummerbund?

Or a noble, poetry-reciting gent generous with his 3000 year-old single-malt?

The British ball is unpredictable, flighty, a swinger. Good luck with the lucky dip, Aussies.

4. Full Time

“This game will be decided in a five-minute moment.”

– Brad Johnson on Fox Footy, describing the crucial and unique time / space event about to occur in the Fremantle / Brisbane Lions game late last Sunday.

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