YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD TO BLUDGE

Since announcing the pension age will be raised to 70, Social Services Minister Christian ‘Not Really’ Porter is sampling new marketing phrases.

“Sixty-nine-year-old dole bludgers will become ‘Ol’ Bludgers‘ or ‘Almost-Deadbeats‘. There are plenty of jobs for older folks if they re-skill. They can be aerobics instructors, roadside workers, ballet dancers, paintball targets…

“We will become a great nation of lifters, leaners and limbo champions!”

GAGGING FOR A GAG-ORDER

Leader of the One Nation Cash-Grab Jamboree, Pauline Hanson, has slapped a gag order on former party treasurer Ian Nelson. The embittered Mr Nelson made public secret recordings of his conversations with Hansonc.

A spokesman from the party’s Money-for-Nothing faction claimed, “Pauline slapped the gag on Nelson to protect free speech from the free speech she freely spoke. Speaking freely, we’re not like the major parties. When we freely speak, we shut up about it.”

FBI WTF

US President Donald J. Trump’s appointment of the new FBI Director has backfired.

“I made a terrible mistake,” said bureaucrat Christopher Wray. “I thought I was applying to be a Food and Beverage Inspector,” he said. “What naive moron would take this job?”

Wray demanded ‘loyalty’ from the President. Mr Trump said that was never going to happen.

STATUE OF ABBOTT A BIT BROWN FOR HIS LIKING

The Ballarat bronze bust of once-and-future-king Tony Abbott has been given a thumbs-down.

“I knew it was going to be bronze,” Mr Abbott said, “but I was expecting ‘bronzed Aussie’ bronze. This dark bronze makes me look like I come from an average Australian suburb.”

WHAT’S UP, DOC?

Opposition Leader Bill Shorten, wearing a trapper-hat, tip-toed into a branch meeting with his new strategy for victory. “Be vewy, vewy qwiet,” He told his comrades, “I’m hunting wabbits.”

He demanded Anthony Albanese focus during meetings. “Stop chewing cawwots, Comwade. This is vewy, vewy sewious.”

IN OTHER NEWS:

AUSTRALIA SURVIVES PRINCE HARRY UN-IMPREGNATED

THERESA MAY HOPING FOR VACANT ROOM IN ECUADOR EMBASSY

PETER DUTTON DRESSED AS LAMB

ONE NATION VOTER HATES INTOLERANCE

KITTEN SEEMS BENIGN