Medibank hacked to pieces

Medibank admits confidential information from all of its four million customers has been hacked, diced and julienned.

Hackers stole private details from Medibank’s budget arm AHM (pronounced ‘Ahm’, as in ‘Ahm, did someone forget to buy the latest edition of Norton?’)

But some Medibank customers are perfectly relaxed. One said: “Fortunately, my details were already hacked from Optus.”

Medibank is confident the hacked info was well encrypted – it was all recorded in doctors’ handwriting.

Steve Bannon starts prison riot with charismatic puppet

Steve Bannon, senior strategist for Donald Trump, has been sentenced to prison to inadvertently boost his popularity.

Bannon has united his fellow prisoners behind a charismatic ventriloquist puppet named President Donald Trump (no relation).

Bannon has conceded his past behaviour was not-so-Breitbart.

He has been complaining that the prison has a very poor money laundry.

Dr Who the heck let this happen?

The British sci-fi TV series Doctor Who has been sold to Disney+.

It’s too late to time travel to stop it.

Disney+ have commissioned a range of new projects:

Doctor Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Horton Hears a Doctor Who

Dumbo, Pinocchio, Cinderella, Snow White, the Seven Dwarves, Alice and Wonderland Fit Snugly Into The Tardis.

Methane cut, but not in that way

The Australian government have signed up to a global pledge to cut methane emissions by 30 per cent.

A vegan food producer said, “That’ll knock the wind out of our sales.”

A vegan – who is a vegan, in case you didn’t know – claims the pledge oppresses people on a zero-meat/high-horse diet.

Miffed vegans are producing a documentary – Fart and Furious.

They vow their response will be silent but deadly.

Fascist woman elected to oppress Italy better than any man could

Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni is Italy’s first woman leader, after fighting her way to the top of the political party ‘Brothers of Italy’. (To be renamed ‘Brothers Of A Sister Who Runs Italy’.)

She will use her female intuition to gently lead the country’s most right-wing government since Mussolini killed everyone.

She is against immigration, euthanasia, same-sex marriage and kittens (because they resist social integration).

Ms Meloni is a proponent of ‘Femonationalism‘ (feminism for white women only). Seriously.

Her first objective is to reorient the Tower of Pisa to lean further right.

In other news…

CLIMATE ACTIVIST GLUED TO A BUS NOT SEEN FOR SOME TIME

UK PM URGES POOR TO WORK HARDER OR MARRY BILLIONAIRE’S DAUGHTER

WORLD CUP IN QATAR TO FEATURE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING

NO-ONE CAUGHT THROWING FOOD AT KEN DONE PAINTINGS

HALLOWEEN CANCELLED DUE TO CLASHING WITH GHOUL HOLIDAYS