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The Ferguson Report: Of course our big cheese PM has trouble with RATs

All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson.

All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson. Photo: TND

‘NOVAX’ DJOKOVIC

An immuno-compromised citizen has found himself giving a flying fart about Novak Djokovic.

“When I heard Djokovic’s visa had been cancelled amid speculation he was unable to prove he is eligible for a vaccination exemption, I must admit I sneaked out a quiet one.”

Djokovic, who openly challenges COVID-19 vaccinations and the rulings of tennis umpires, will now have no chance to breathe near our Ash Barty.

SCOTT MORRISON CHANGES HIS MIND INTO A PAIR OF FLIP-FLOPS

Prime Minister Scott Morrison ceased making sense Monday 10:08AM.

“When someone tells you they want to make something free,” he said, “someone’s always going to pay for it, and it’s going to be you!”

A spokeswoman clarified. “What Scott means is that when something is wanted by somebody (who is you, not me), don’t ask someone else for it because you can pay for it on their behalf, but you won’t have to, because you have asked for it to be free.”

Meanwhile, the federal government refuses to pay for universally free Rapid Antigen Tests (RATs) until they get closer to an election.

Instead, the Prime Minister has invented RATkeeper. He will hand over the money as soon as he gets a big order from Harvey Norman.

DON’T LOOK UP MOVIE TRIPS OVER RED CARPET

Meteor disaster movie Don’t Look Up is an allegory for the audience’s preference for immediate catastrophic extinction as opposed to the slow, inexorable trudge to disaster due to human-caused blah blah blah.

“The movie shows the hopeless frustration of scientists struggling to explain an imminent disaster,” said a movie critic watching Netflix in their pyjamas. “Proving that the end of the world will be due
to scientists’ bad communication skills.”

Meanwhile, climate change continues to cause apocalyptic blah blah blah.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY FINDS ITS FOREFATHERS’ GUN IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER

The next president of the United States, Donald Trump, has declared victory at the Australian Open.

Since US democracy was scorched like Old Parliament House, Trump has swapped running for office with running from office to office trying to log into his Twitter account.

Trump misses the limelight. The sunlight fades the orange.

Joe Biden (who’s a heartbeat away from the ex-presidency) gave a Jan 6 speech in which he didn’t mention Donald Trump and other things he forgot.

In other news …

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  • NEW YEAR RESOLUTION COULDN’T BEAT THE SWEET TASTE OF VAPE
  • AUSTRALIA-JAPAN TREATY TO BE CALLED KAMICOZZIE
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