PM ABANDONS THREE-WORD SLOGANS FOR TWO-WORD SLOGANS ‘JUST BECAUSE’

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has said Australia should “push through”, “gear change” and in tough times, “apply metaphors”.

Some say the slogans are ‘an insult to the intelligence of voters’. It’s not clear if they mean that sarcastically.

Morrison praised the “forgotten voices” of “silent Australians” without suggesting the voices would be less forgotten if they weren’t so silent.

He didn’t mention the ‘Quiet Australians’ because they make more noise than his most-favoured voters, the “Utterly Silent Australians”.

Meanwhile, an elephant in the room bought all the toilet paper.

WORLD’S BIGGEST SMALLEST MILITARY

Australia is building the world’s biggest smallest military to protect the world’s smallest biggest nation.

Australia will pay $3.5 billion for 120 American tanks because building a new hospital could cost lives.

The mighty tanks will fearlessly guard 64,100 square km each. (That’s one tank for Tasmania. Impressive.)

A Defence Department spokeswoman buying sandhandbags said: “These new powerful machines will save us from you-know-who in the forthcoming Two-Minute War.”

SOCIALIST EXPLAINS SOCIALISM

A socialist has claimed the Socialist governments of Cuba, Argentina, Ecuador, Venezuela, China, Vietnam, Albania, Russia, Bulgaria, Cambodia, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, North Korea, Mozambique, Poland, Romania and Yugoslavia did it wrong.

REPUBLIC MODEL LOST ON CATWALK

The Australian Republic Movement (ARM) has proposed a new model for electing a popular Aussie president, as if that would be an improvement.

Under the new model, each state and territory will choose its own footballer by popular vote.

Canberra will choose three footballers by unpopular vote.

The footballers will receive amnesty for their drug and sex offences, like they always do.

The footballers will then play a combination of Twister, Dodgeball, Stuck In The Mud and Catch ‘n’ Kiss (otherwise known as AFL). Then they’ll flip a coin and pick a number between one and two.

The match will be supervised by ARM-Chair critic Peter FitzSimons and a squabble of the same kneejerk ding-a-lings who elected Canberra’s current splat of paintballs.

A constitutional lawyer (like a criminal lawyer but capable of hiding much bigger crimes, like nation-stealing) said: “The drawback to an Australian President who is popularly elected is that they’re popularly elected.”

The preamble continues …

In other news …

• CONSPIRACY NUT BEGRUDGINGLY ADMITS THE ECONOMY’S BOOMING THANKS TO VACCINE NANO-BOTS
• PRINCE ANDREW’S PLATINUM JUBILEE PUDDING NAMED ‘PUDDING ON HANDCUFFS’
• GOVT BUYING AMERICAN SUBMARINES TO DELIVER FOOD TO SUPERMARKETS
• PM MORRISON SHOCKED THAT OMICRON PEAKED JUST BEFORE IT KEPT RISING
• WHAT HAPPENS ON YOUTH SUMMER CAMP WAS SUPPOSED TO STAY ON YOUTH SUMMER CAMP