Tennis – Australian does something good

Nick Kyrgios shocked the world (and his mum) by reaching the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and rolling world number one Rafael Nadal in the process. His quarter-final showdown with Canada’s Milos Raonic also pitted two iconic sitcom characters against each other, with Modern Family’s Manny just (predictably) running out of steam against the immovable robot Hymie from Get Smart. Raonic also must get a nod for the least ruffle-able head of hair in world sport.

Here’s hoping Kyrgios goes on to have slightly more success on court and slightly less success in reality dating shows than the last big-serving Aussie with a Greek handle. We’d also love to know what Kyrgios has pumping through those big pink headphones of his when he strides on court. Britney? Iron Maiden? Demis Roussos? Somebody let us know.

A young Kyrgios and Manny from Modern Family.

Raonic’s serve caused plenty of KAOS.

AFL – Cyril’s hamstring takes leave of absence

Cyril Rioli’s hamstring officially walked off the job last Saturday, upset at what it perceives to be unfair working conditions. The ‘string had suffered seven work-related injuries over the journey, and – after having a meeting with Sam Mitchell’s similarly mistreated tendon – decided enough was enough.

“I can’t take this anymore,” the hamstring told the The New Daily. “We’re stretched enough as it is.

“He told me he was going to change the way he runs, get on the ball of his foot more. He did for a while, but lately he’s just slipped back into the same old Cyril.

“He doesn’t give a stuff about me. Tweeting about snipers, like this is some kind of joke.”

Yep that sniper got me again!

— Cyril Rioli (@CyrilRioli33) June 28, 2014

Rioli’s hamstring is believed to be enjoying a short break on Fraser Island, and was last seen sipping pina coladas with Darren Glass’ hip and Jonathan Brown’s face at a bar run by Campbell Brown’s brain.

English language expert Jarryd Roughead, meanwhile, predicts the term ‘Cyril’s hamstring’ will have effectively replaced ‘Achilles heel’ in another 50 years.

“I can see that, certainly,” Roughead said. “‘Gee, those Socceroos are a good side, but their lack of a true playmaker is definitely a Cyril’s hamstring’. Why not?”

Punted: Todd Carney. Photo: Getty

NRL – Cronulla wrecks Carney’s flow

Todd Carney put urinal etiquette firmly back in the spotlight when he was sacked for allegedly aiming his micturition into his mouth, while somebody took a snap and uploaded it onto Twitter. Yes, you read that correctly.

It was the latest in a, er, stream of booze-fuelled idiocy from the former Sharks five-eighth, but we say bravo – it’s good to see one of our sports stars so committed to recycling.

Carney’s sacking caused much debate this week – after all, as far as rugby league goes, his offence is hardly cardinal. For a sport that took until 2013 to ban punching people in the head during its State of Origin showcase, one would have thought they’d show slightly more lenience to the less evolved among us.

In other news, some NSW players have revealed they plan to get tattoos to commemorate their drought-breaking Origin win. May we humbly suggest that, should you wish to check any spelling, Todd Carney isn’t your first port of call.

World Cup – England, USA out: all is right with the world

If we’re honest, half the fun of watching any World Cup is waiting for England to get knocked out. Nowadays that fun is doubled waiting for the USA to get knocked out too. It’s not really anything to do with the Patriot Act, or drones, or their persecution of whistleblowers and prosecution of the press – rather the fact that their manager was a better diver than Greg Louganis.

It didn’t help that The White House tweeted the following before their round-of-16 clash with Belgium:

“In America, we don’t settle. We out-hustle the competition. That’s who we are. Let’s do this,” their arrogant overlord tweeted.

Suffice to say, I was an honorary Belgian on Wednesday morning, and those two extra-time goals were some sweet, sweet chocolate.

Very proud of @USSoccer. We’ll win it all sooner than the world thinks. #BelieveIt -bo — The White House (@WhiteHouse) July 1, 2014

There’s something a bit on the nose about that tweet from ‘bo’ – the USA has about as much chance of winning a World Cup as finding those weapons of mass destruction they were looking for.