AUSTRALIA DECLARES WAR ON PEACETIME

Home Affairs secretary Mike ‘Doof Doof’ Pezzullo claims Australia can’t avoid “the drums of war”. Even more terrifying than drums – the bass guitar solo.

Pezzullo is a public servant serving the public fried on a spike with a side of scorched earth.

Double-flushed with the success of giving Afghanistan back to the Taliban, Over-Defence Minister Peter Dutton is ready to join any war so long he doesn’t have to start it.

Meanwhile. the federal government has splurged $747 million on protecting the Northern Territory from anyone silly enough to want the Northern Territory.

Pezzullo’s Anzac Days are numbered.

SCOMO ‘LAYING ON OF HANDS’ BUT NOT IN THAT WAY

PM Scott Morrison has declared every Australian is “created in the image of God” without specifying exactly when this occurred.

“Some of those Neanderthals were downright fugly,” said a scientist.

“And, going further back, it’s hard to find a white-bearded lungfish.”

Sco-Pony says he practises the tradition of ‘laying on of hands’ and the ‘laying-off-of-workers’.

Morrison said social media is used by “the evil one”. His advisors are reluctant to tell him about PornHub.

The PM is also fond of speaking in tongues, preferably forked.

CRAIG KELLY & SANTA CLAUS BOOTED OFF FACEBOOK

In its war against misinformation, Facebook has shut down the pages of Santa Claus and Craig Kelly MP, promoter of Hydroxychloroquine Teeth Whitener.

Mr Kelly said, “I’ve been banned for crying out loud, for crying out loud!”

His blocking has gone viral, but he can cure it with bleach.

Mr Kelly is forming his own platform – The Antisocial Network, where everyone is free to speak Mr Kelly’s mind.

OSCARS AUDIENCE SO SMALL THEY MAKE THE LOGIES LOOK GOOD

American viewers of the Academy Awards have plummeted from 43.7 million in 2014 to 9.8 million in 2021.

The Oscars were officially declared a “safe space,” so no action, drama or entertainment was permitted.

Next year’s Woke Oscar categories:

• Best Comedy That Should Be Ashamed Of Itself For Laughing At A Time Like This
• Best Happy Ending You Didn’t Wait To See Because The Movie Was So Bleak
• Best Political Speech About An Important Issue That Will Be Forgotten Until Next Year’s Oscars

In other news…

• LGBTQIA+ EASIER TO PRONOUNCE PHONETICALLY
• CONVICTED PORSCHE DRIVER EVEN LESS POPULAR THAN MOST PORSCHE DRIVERS
• QUEENSLAND’S 2032 OLYMPIC GAMES BID INCLUDES CONCLUSION JUMPING, ABUSE HURLING AND BORDER HOPPING