The Ferguson Report: Newspoll adjusts its ‘margin of error’ to 99 per cent

Tim Ferguson
May 24, 2019, updated May 25, 2019

NEWSPOLL KICKED IN THE STATISTICALS

After predicting a Labor victory for the last three years, Newspoll’s credibility is so low it’s becoming a contestant in Married At First Sight.

Newspoll is yet to apologise to Malcolm Turnbull for claiming he had lost 30-plus Newspolls as if that’s a bad thing.

“Clearly, losing Newspolls is a path to victory!” said a pollster who works within the margin of err…

“From now on our polling will be calculated by a hundred monkeys with a typewriter. The typewriter is a kid who likes monkeys.”

SWILL OF THE PEOPLE

The senators sacked for being partly foreign have been re-hired as mostly Australian.

Senators who have suddenly become 99.9 per cent Aussie include Labor’s Katy Gallagher, One Nation’s Malcolm Roberts and Jacqui Lambie’s Jacqui Lambie.

Katy Gallagher is famous for running Canberra, but please don’t hold it against her. Don’t hold Canberra against yourself either, it’s contagious.

Malcolm Roberts is famous for not being secretly filmed being Malcolm Roberts.

Jacqui Lambie is famous for being Tasmanian, but for some reason is not deemed a foreigner.

ALBO GREASE

Labor leader-in-following Anthony Albanese has announced he will dump the party’s franking credits reforms until he understands them.

Albanese said the campaign policy hit some people who “weren’t very wealthy” as if it had just occurred to him.

The unpopular Labor policies (including taxing, spending, then taxing again) are being dumped faster than Australian prime ministers.

Labor heavyweightwatcher Tony Burke fronted media in a T-shirt declaring ‘Stop Stopping Adani’. He suggested Labor adopt Tony Abbott’s climate-what-climate? policy of direct action through indirect inaction.

A Young Labor apparatchik cried and cried and cried.

BREXIT REFERENDUM & DUMBER

British Prime Minister Theresa ‘Last Drinks’ May has Brexited stage right. Her last act was to insist that MPs had “one last chance” to vote on whether to hold a second Brexit referendum (which will be just like the first one, except with bigger lies on bigger buses).

May was offering voters the option of Bre-entering Europe in her referendum addendum agenda-bender.

A spokeswoman for Nigel Farage’s Brexit For the Helluvit party said, “Britons want to eat their sausage and decide its meat content, too.”

A crowd of banger-loving Brexiteers chanted:

What do we want?

Sawdust and snouts!

When do we want it?

After we’ve swallowed the mulched intestines!