The Ferguson Report: Maybe they should have all worn burqas
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION
The election campaign is all over bar the screaming and bedwetting.
In a masterful tactic by Scott ‘Scomoverthecorpses’ Morrison, the Liberal Party campaign did not include anyone from the Liberal Party.
A Labor adviser who shall remain jobless said, “Labor made a dunderheaded mistake by revealing our politicians. Millions chanted ‘Anthony, Albanese, goodness gracious, what are these?”
One Nation also slumped in the polls when Pauline Hanson campaigned without her burqa.
FIGHT FOR THE ALT-RIGHT TO PAAARTY
Liberal Senator Jim ‘’my other right-wing is even more right-wing’ Molan has claimed his supporters were “set up” in a political sting when they were filmed urging voters to ignore the Coalition ticket and vote for Molan.
“It’s like the sting with the One Nation boss-boys who were ‘set up’ being themselves. Once again, the alt-right have been tricked into doing what we normally do in the way we always do it.”
A government spokeswoman in a fluffy bee outfit said, “Like I always say, ‘Float like a butterfly, sting like a half-cut cow-cocky in a Bangkok strip joint’.”
Barnaby Joyce was outraged, but nobody hung around to hear why.
MORRISON BLOWS HOT & COAL
The piece of coal PM Scott Morrison brandished in Parliament claims it’s lonely.
“He treats me like just another coal bludger.”
It’s expected that if Morrison wins government, his romance with the coal will resume faster than you can say, “Where did the Great Barrier Reef go?”
GAME OF BABY NAMES
The the Khaleesi from the TV series Game of Thrones was once a popular name given to baby girls by parents who will follow any trend, no matter how quickly it’ll date.
But in last week’s episode, Khaleesi slaughtered thousands of innocent civilians in explosive tumults of dragon fire. Oops.
An Aussie mum said, “It’s the same problem we had with our sons Adolf and Darth. We should’ve waited until we had all the information.”
POT CALLS KETTLE WHITE
Pauline Hanson has labelled Senator Fraser Anning a “racist” and accused him of trying to be “another Pauline Hanson”.
Her comments were followed by an awkward pause.
An ACTAA arts administrator said, “Comedy writers will be out of a job if politicians keep writing their own jokes.”
In other news…
13 YEARS OF SCHOOL NOT ENOUGH TO LEARN SPELLING OF ‘YOUR’ & ‘YOU’RE’
SKY NEWS AFTER DARK LIKE FOX NEWS WITH LESS NEWS & MORE DARK
TONY ABBOTT GOT HIS HAWKE EULOGY SENSITIVITY TRAINING FROM KYRGIOS
US/CHINA TRADE WAR RAISES PRICE OF ‘MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN’ CAPS
SHORTEN GOING TO HELL FOR CLAIMING GAY PEOPLE DON’T GO TO HELL
