The Ferguson Report: Some very queer food for thought

GENDER OFFENDER
Liberal Senator Amanda Stoker has described gender identity and sexuality as “matters of personal choice”.
A government spokeswoman wearing a big girl’s blouse agreed. “I’m flattered when my husband tells me he ‘chooses’ to ‘prefer’ me over his natural inclinations. Be still my beating heart!”
The spokeswoman force-fed herself boiled brussels sprouts and cold porridge. “I was indulging my hedonist desires by preferring crispy bacon … Mmm, bacon … Now I ‘choose’ to ‘prefer’ this vile slop … Mmm, slop … The only reason I feel totally out of place in my body is because I did an Arts degree.”
In the spirit of going against its own libertarian nature, the ‘Liberal’ ‘Party’ ‘chooses’ to support Senator Stoker.
‘ORGANIC’ IS A MIDDLE-CLASS EATING DISORDER
A shocking new report claims ‘organic food’ includes all food.
The organic middle-class eating disorder has ravaged bank accounts in leafy suburbs, as victims struggle to put gluten-free antioxidant quinoa on their tables.
Although ‘organic’ food is ludicrously expensive, an organism farmer claimed that there is an excellent reason. After a moment, he said, “Um … I’ve got nothing.”
HOW GREENS IS MY ELECTORATE?
The new Greens policy smoothie forgot to include anything about the environment.
A spokeswoman in social-engineering dungarees said: “But the 90 per cent of Australians who vote against the Greens are being offered policies of all colours:
- Banks and the NBN should be taken from corporate hands and controlled by government bodies (which are like human bodies but with more dicks)
- We are in favour of the SBS. And we’ll be even more in favour of it once we know what it’s for
- Marijuana should be legal so you can get it anywhere, just like now
- The welfare term ‘Newstart’ is discriminatory. We will change it to ‘Newsenthusiast’
- Pill-testing should be legal. But be warned – it makes you chatty and dance until dawn
The spokeswoman downed her tools (in one gulp). “As for our environmental policy … Oops, gotta run. Nature calls.”
GOVERNMENT’S ‘WOMAN PROBLEM’ REJECTED ON MERIT
Born-To-Briefly-Rule PM Scott Morrison has denied his government has a ‘Woman Problem’.
A spokesman in a frock said: “Since the Barnaby Baby-Boom Bonking Ban and Sugar-Baby Blowout we clearly have a ‘Man Problem’.”
A pollster said 19 women in the government is plenty. “Why, there are more female MPs in the government than there are women willing to vote for it.”
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