WINTER OF OUR MALCOLMTENT

Once And Future Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull is unaware he is no longer PM.

A government spokesman said: “We told Malcolm it’s over, but he kept swigging Cristal Spumante and giving orders. ‘Forward with the NBN! Backward with the NEG! Round and round with the WTF!’'”

Mr Turnbull is buckling under the non-existent pressure to lead.

“It was always my hobby,” he said, “but it’s started feeling like a job.”

Luckily, Australia has Kevin, Julia, Tony and Malcolm to show Scott Morrison how to keep leadership brief.

IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A LEMON! IT’S TARIFF MAN

Presidentially-Challenged Donald Trump has tweeted “I’m a Tariff Man!”, sending world markets into a tailspin doughnut skidmark.

Mr Trump sported a cape emblazoned with a confidence-building dollar sign crossed with a “Don’t” symbol.

Mr Trump has replaced all his Yes-men with Don’t-Blame-Me-I-Voted-For-Hillary men.

The Australian market panicked like a Young Liberal who finds himself in a Kia Sportage.

US markets panicked like a Kia Sportage that finds itself in a Young Liberal.

Wall Street wiped out $US820 billion (plus change) as Tariff Man leapt Trump Tower in a single US bond.

America sneezed. Australia caught chronic pneumonia.

UNCONSCIENCE VOTE

Tenuous PM Scott Morrison wants a conscience vote to outlaw discrimination against LGBTI students, allowing politicians to conscientiously discriminate against LGBTI students.

A government spokeswoman pouring gasoline on a sparkly rainbow said: “Please don’t force religious schools to teach tolerance to gay students. The LNP is a broad church, but it’s also shallow.”

Nationals leader-in-waiting Barnaby ‘Freshly Squeezed’ Joyce raised the example of sending his children to an all-girls’ school, only to discover a child who was born a boy was using the same toilets.

A doctor tried in vain to explain how toilet cubicles work, using a door, PowerPoint presentation and finger puppets.

Labor leader Bill ‘Softly, Softly’ Shorten stopped measuring Lodge-curtains to whisper: “Be vewwy, vewwy qwuiet – I’m hunting bawwots.”

TRUMP JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUNERAL

Donald Trump barely attended the funeral of US President George ‘Big W’ Bush.

He was warmly ignored by Hillary ‘Electoral College Dropout’ Clinton.

Mr Trump then endured the funeral slouched, grumbling in respect. He crossed his arms and pouted in reverence, and said his funeral crowd will be bigger.

George ‘Lower-Case W’ Bush gave a stirring eulogy, surprisingly securing his place among presidents who know how to behave like presidents.

In other news…

SANTA SICK OF THE LIES

EVERYDAY AUSTRALIANS WANT TO BE EVERY-SECOND-DAY AUSTRALIANS

ENCRYPTION LAWS COMPLETELY F#@!&%

NOSE-JOB ‘NOT SATISFYING’