The Ferguson Report: Abandon all hope ye who board Morrison’s sinking Liberal ship

Tim Ferguson
Nov 30, 2018, updated Oct 01, 2020

Tim Ferguson gives his take on the week's news. Photo: TND

TRUMP ON CLIMATE CHANGE

US President/fact-inventor Donald Trump has rejected the US government’s dire report on the economic consequences of climate change.

“I don’t believe it,” he said. It’s unclear whether he doesn’t believe the report, or can’t believe he doesn’t believe it.

“Oops,” said a Whitehouse spokeswoman in a gas mask. “I’m buying land on mountaintops. In 20 years, it’s beachside property.”

“All this talk of climate change is making POTUS hot under the collar,” said an adviser close to the air conditioner. “What we need is cooler collars.”

The scientist, in typical mood-destroying fashion said, “Where there’s smoke there’s more smoke”.

Last year, all the world’s nations combined pumped 38.2 billion tonnes of harmless carbon dioxide into the air by burning coal, oil and textbooks.

But oil executives rolled their eyes and pumped open fists at their foreheads: “38.2 billion a year is nothing. We make that in a day.”

SILENT MINORITY GOVERNMENT

Since Julia Banks MP’s resignation from the Liberal government, other Liberals are preparing to jump ship.

“They are not jumping ship,” said a spokeswoman in a lifejacket. “It’s just hard to hold on when the ship’s at such a steep angle.”

“The party line is, “Women and children first’. Now if we can just find a kid to throw overboard…”

Momentary Prime Minister Scott Morrison is creating a new advertisement like the one he made with Lara Bingle. It features ScoMover wandering round a deserted island in a bikini asking, “Where The Bloody Hell Are They?”

THE GHOST WHO TALKS

Here-today-gone-tonight prime minister Malcolm Turnbull has been accused of operating as “an invisible hand” to bring down the Morrison government.

A spokesman said: “Invisible hand? Nonsense! Tony Abbott’s jaw moves of its own accord.”

Luckily, Scott Morrison’s foot remains completely visible inside his mouth.

Turnbull accused his Liberal Party critics of “paranoia”.

A LNP spokeswoman said, “Paranoid? Who says we’re paranoid?!”

PLANET OF THE VAPES

American e-cigarette makers have been ordered to stop adding more-ish flavours to their addictive sucker-steam.

An e-smoking spokeswoman with a nasty cough said: “Great. The flavours were getting in the way of the nicotine. We guarantee all new products will be completely and utterly tasteless.”

She drew a long e-drag of e-vapor into her e-lungs. “Vaping takes my breath away. Eventually.”