The Ferguson Report: Environment minister specialises in noxious emissions
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
Coal-powered Environment Minister Melissa ‘At What’ Price claims the world’s leading climate scientists are wrong about global warming just because.
A Young Liberal who is neither young nor liberal agreed. “The link between CO2 and climate change is only supported by science. But coal is supported by Alan Jones.”
The government wheeled out a ‘scientist’ at gunpoint. “The drought is caused by renewables,” he said. “The sun dries up the dams. Wind blows away the topsoil. The greatest risk to the environment is the environment.”
The ‘scientist’ slowly boiled a frog until it was addled enough to vote National.
National Party Animal Barnaby Joyce added the weight of his credibility with tweezers. “The trouble with renewables is they have to be renewed. Burn coal and you have it in the atmosphere forever.”
The Bachelor chooses being a bachelor
The Bachelor, former Wallaby Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins, has defended his decision to choose none of the show’s Badger-ettes as his life partner.
The perfect catcher sympathised with the 24 jilted ladies. “You wouldn’t read about it until you saw it or read it,” he said with complete accuracy.
A network spokesman said, “Fair enough. Who’d marry a reality TV contestant?”
Opera House tunes out backlash
The Opera House horse-race promotion has bolted. A spokeshorse said, “Operas are a financial risk, so it’s natural to promote gambling.”
Anti-discrimination laws legalise discrimination
The government’s review into religious freedom recommends religious schools have the right to reject gay students and teachers, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The report also recommends the banning of gay school subjects.
“Music class is out,” said a by-and-large hetero government spokesman. “George Michael had two straight sounding names, then WHAM! And who could predict the frontman of Queen would live up to the name?”
A spokesman who claims nothing happened on band camp said, “We’re cutting mathematics because of the number ‘69’ and the androgynous symbol ‘=’.”
A single LNP spokesman who ‘has no time for romance’ said, “Drama is out because drama is out. And English is banned because ‘Gay’ is an English word. There could be others, why take the risk?”
Other courses facing the axe and why:
- Woodwork has two meanings
- Home Ec is Home-Exual
- Sex Ed spells ‘Sexed’
- Bi-ology is unnatural
- Ball-sports, for obvious reasons
- Science is cut. Because it’s wrong
The only course left to teach is Art.
Charcoal only. No rainbows.
In other news…
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ECHINACEA LESS EFFECTIVE THAN PLACEBO
ANDREW BOLT OUTRAGED BY SELF