The Ferguson Report: Tony Abbott denies the environment
AMERICANS READY TO NOT VOTE IN YUGE NUMBERS
The US midterm elections in November are already a hot issue.
In June, Americans’ right to not vote was at risk due to the importance of the issues at stake: Mexican children locked in cages, Roe v. Wade under threat, and the $22 trillion debt.
Thankfully, the revolutionary American spirit promises a landslide of not-voting.
An eighteen-year-old woman wearing a hat declaring ‘Make America Groot Again’ said, “It’s exciting! This is my first chance to not vote. I can’t wait to exercise my democratic right to stay home eating cupcakes.”
When asked if she had a political preference, she said, “Strawberry”.
A political analyst who wished to remain in bed said: “There has never been a more important time to put my head under the covers.”
ABBOTT INVADES PARIS AGREEMENT
Tony Abbott has urged Australia to withdraw from the Paris Climate Agreement he signed.
Speaking at the Onion-Shaped Earth Society, the former PM claimed “the environment is not a thing”.
“It’s not mentioned in the Bible,” said a spokeswoman on a bike. “God created the heavens and the Earth but not the environment. But if the environment is proven to exist, Tony insists it is flat.”
On increased pressure from the Hard-Right rump of the LNP (Alan Jones), Abbott agreed to wear a beret.
TRUMP WAR AGAINST VENEZUELA AVERTED
Reliably fake media has revealed Golfer/Grabber Donald Trump is considering an invasion of Venezuela.
A White House official dismissed Trump’s maniacal musings. “The President just thinks out loud.” This may explain why the Oval Office emits a white-noise hiss and songs by the Wiggles.
A spokeswoman in a red skivvy said: “Venezuela deserves to be attacked for no reason. But the President was told it’s Un-American to invade a country without a barely credible knee-jerk excuse.”
ONE NATION TAX POLICY HALF-PIKE MINIMAL-SPLASH
Since her recent quadruple reversals on tax cuts, Senator Pauline Hanson is not confused.
A spokeswoman for the One Nation Is Enough Party said “Pauline is in two minds, but they are both in agreement.”
“One of her minds has a vocabulary most golden retrievers would envy. Her other mind is from Ipswich.”
Apart from the $7000 the senator gets from the tax cut, she will get nothing. Until next year.
In other news…
NDIS ROLLS OUT, ROLLS IN, LIES ON BACK STARING AT CEILING
CAT’S PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION FOILED BY NAP
‘JETSTAR FLIGHT’ USED AS IRONIC TERM
TRUMP BLIMP LETS ITSELF DOWN
