JOYCE PULP

Barnaby Joyce says by abstaining from the vote on the same-sex marriage legislation he upheld the opinions of the nation and his own.

A government spokesman in a spa bath said, “Barnaby’s a strong supporter of the traditional definition of marriage … up to a point.”

In 2017, Joyce left the parliament chamber before the final vote on gay marriage, carefully dodging a place in history. He has since gained his own place in history.

Independent MP Cathy McGowan has suggested a ban on politicians sleeping with their staff.

A minister speaking under the cover of a pashmina rejected the proposal.

“Blocking sex between politicians and staffers will make politicians sleep with each other. Think of the money wasted on cleaning Commonwealth cars.”

TRUMP DENIES EVERYTHING

Avid golfer Donald Trump has denied everything – Russian collusion, porn star affairs, the s–––hole countries comment.

Placing his tiny grabby hands on his heart, Trump declared, “I didn’t do it, whatever it is. But if I did do it, I’d do it better than anyone, which I didn’t.”

BIG BROTHER, LITTLE FINGERS

Former Trump White House aide and contestant on The Apprentice Omarosa Newman has been promoted to Celebrity Big Brother [US].

“At last she’s in a house we can respect,” said an American voter who only votes for reality TV contestants.

Omarosa spoke privately on the show to comedian Ross Mathews, whispering to ensure total confidentiality. Speaking anonymously while wired for sound and in view of cameras, Omarosa whispered that the United States under President Donald Trump is “going to not be OK, neither is colloquial grammar.”

The American voter said, “Winning Big Brother is like winning the White House, but more democratic.”

RETWEETS DO NOT INDICATE RETWEETS

Mild surprise erupted at news Liberal senator, Not-So-Lucky-Jim Molan once shared a racist joke on social media.

“The joke doesn’t bear repeating, retweeting or posting in the first place,” said a comedian.

She attacked the joke, saying, “For a gag to be retweetable, it should have a premise, theme and a punchline that isn’t a flip-witted, spoon-flogged, blunt-brained scrap of race-based grubbery.”

At the time of the retweeting (May 4, 2017), Senator Molan’s profile claimed, “retweets not indicate approval (sic)”.

It did not describe what retweets might indicate.

TREASURER CREATES TRICKLE-DOWN GOVERNMENT

STOCK EXCHANGE IN SAFE HANDS OF GREEDY PANIC MERCHANTS

GOVT CLOSES CLOSING-THE-GAP GAP

PM BLAIMS PM ON BILL SHORTEN

VEGAN DOESN’T APPROVE