NEW LAMB AD IS BAAAAAAD

The latest lamb ad campaign from Meat and Livestock Australia is copping a roasting.

The Broadway-themed depiction of Australia’s warring left and right-wing factions is all sizzle, no lamb chop.

The ad’s characters resemble the Right’s snarling darling, Milo Yiannopoulos, and Greens leader Richard Di Natale (without this doe-eyed innocence).

Controversy specialist Sam Kekovich was brought in to calm the waters with a 500-lamb-power outboard motor and what is hoped to be a Chokito bar.

Voters at the floppy centre of the spectrum were ignored again. One undecided voter said angrily, “It’s enough to make you mildly interested.”

Countless lambs were cooked in the making of the commercial.

MELBOURNE GANG CRISIS EXPLODES FROM NEGLIGiBLE TO MICROSCOPIC

Melbourne’s Sudanese gang crime has exploded to .0001%.

Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton-My-Backyard claimed Melbournites are too scared to go out to dinner, and not because of the high prices, fatty foods and snooty waiters.

“It’s the gangs, the gangs, the gangs,” he said. “It’s like the ice epidemic, but without all the people.”

A pale-faced spokeswoman said: “These African gangs are not like our usual Aussie beer-guzzling hooligan donks.

“They lack the lovable roguishness of our fascist bully-boys, bikie gangs, methamphetamine marauders and drunken king-hit punchers. They don’t soothe our fears by wrapping themselves in Aussie flags.”

SPIES PROBED WITH EXTREME SENSITIVITY

Australia’s concern about Chinese meddling in national affairs has prompted US President Donald Trump’s administration to open an interagency spy-probe.

A White House spokesman said, “The probe will be intense but delicate, with no sudden movements. President Trump’s involvement will balance the extreme sensitivity with knee-jerk tweets, mis-directed abuse and put words like ‘secret’ and ‘sensitive’ in CAPITAL LETTERS YOU WON’T BELIEVE.”

ASSANGE SMELLING SOMETHING FISHY

Julian Assange’s poor hygiene has played a role in recent moves by Ecuador to extricate him from its London embassy.

“We don’t know what he does on his computer all day,” said an embassy official who wished to remain anonymous (and outside).

“Smells like he’s playing Pong. Something’s leaking and it’s not wiki.”

OPRAH PLANS TO BOOST FREE CAR INDUSTRY

BITCOIN NOT WORTH THE AIR IT’S WRITTEN ON

POLICE OH&S BANS COPS SWOOPING

OSCARS SPEECH-STOPPING MUSIC TO BE USED IN PARLIAMENT

ASSANGE LUCKY SWEDEN CAME BEFORE #METOO