The Ferguson Report: Donald trumpets his inflation skills after tax overhaul

Tim Ferguson
Dec 22, 2017, updated Dec 22, 2017

TRUMP TAX-NADO

US President Donald Trump has unfortunately done something.

His new tax laws will shrink the US company tax rate from 35 per cent to 21 per cent.

When asked if $1,500,000,000,000 could spark inflation, he said, “I’m great at inflation. Look what I did to the crowd numbers at my Inauguration.”

Trump said the 14 per cent tax cut “will cost me a fortune”. When asked how this could be possible, Trump said, “Look! A butterfly!” and ran from the room. (There was no butterfly.)

The tax laws passed without anyone mentioning the poor.

TREASURER WILL STOP PRICE GOUGING IN HIS DREAMS

Treasurer Scott Morrison will use his power to beg petrol corporations to stop Christmas price gouging.

“I’ll use extreme foot-stamping and eye-rolling,” said Morrison. “If they push back, I will count to three. Twice!”

Speaking to an oil executive, Morrison was firm. “Show me the money,” he begged, “Please show me the money.”

ATO OMG WTF

The Australian Tax Office announced tax revenue from big corporations will remain at zero. A spokeswoman said, “They pay enough tax on fast cars and racehorses.”

MICHAELIA FAILURE

Employment Minister Michaelia Cash has lost a legal bid to avoid handing over documents about raids on the Australian Workers Union.

Cash claimed it’s a case of union bullying. But an AWU spokes-bruiser said, “You talking to me? You talking to me? I don’t see anyone else here. You talking to me?”

Fake media asked Cash for comment on cash-for-comment. She denied any connection. “I’ll tell you that for nothing,” she said.

USA UN-IMPRESSED

US Ambassador to the UN, Nikki Haley, has threatened the entire world with vengeance for resisting America moving its embassy to Jerusalem.

“We will increase world inflation with $1.5 trillion tax-cut dollars, war-flirt with North Korea and surrender US influence to China.”

She stopped suddenly. “No… wait…” she said. “We’ll do other stuff too.”

WHY ROBOT

Coles and Woolworths have spent the money saved by penalty rate cuts on checkout robots. A spokes-bot claims robot teller machines are overjoyed at their new jobs. “The mood of the robots is electric.”