The Ferguson Report: Trump proves you don’t have to be drunk to act like it

Tim Ferguson
Dec 15, 2017, updated Dec 15, 2017

Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND

LNP MISSES WHINING ABOUT SAM DASTYARI

The government admits it misses ousted senator Sam Dastyari.

Stand-In Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said: “I loved my time with Sam, squealing like a piglet who dropped its party cake. Now he’s gone, gone …”

The precarious PM agreed with himself. “I playfully nicknamed him ‘Shanghai-Sam’ [which annoyed everyone from Shanghai]. I changed it to ‘Sechuan-Sam’ [which annoyed everyone named Sam]. Now I’m just a boy, standing in front of a nation, asking it to love him.”

SPOILER ALERT: THE LATEST <i>STAR WARS</I> MOVIE IS SPOILER-PROOF

“We made the stories un-spoilably inexplicable,” said a Jedi spokesman. “For example, how come Luke’s island has no bathroom? Why do beginner light-sabre trainees have all their fingers? How does Princess Leia pay for her spaceships? Is she a billionaire? Is Leia like Trump, with less-believable hair? I know, I know, these aren’t the spoilers you’re looking for.”

The studio released more unhelpful spoilers:

In space, you can hear explosions
A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, Young Liberals ran an Empire
A four-dots ellipsis is a thing
Chewbacca still refuses to wear pants

MONEY LAUNDERING SPIN CYCLE

Australia’s biggest bank has admitted to more than 53,000 money laundering “mistakes”.

“It could’ve happened to anyone,” said a banking spokeswoman in a golden Learjet.

“Who hasn’t made 53,000 money laundering mistakes? Once I cleaned 53,000 delicates before rinsing!”

She flew cackling to the Cayman Islands.

ROBB FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER

Former Trade Minister Andrew Robb’s employment by Chinese businesses immediately after he left government has been clarified.

A government spokeswoman said, “The fact Mr Robb is ‘working for China’ doesn’t mean he’s ‘working for China’. It means he’s ‘working’ ‘for’ ‘China’.”

The spokeswoman said: “Until I get a better offer, I’ll keep working for the ‘Turnbull’ ‘government’.”

TRUMP-DRUNK

The World Health Organisation announced US President Donald Trump proves you don’t have to be drunk to act like it.

“Alcohol is not the only cause of swaggering, lurching and grabbing,” said a healthy spokeswoman. “POTUS proves you can be 100 per cent sober but shout the same things again and again and again.

“You can send out teetotalling tweets like you’re teetotally hammered by SIMPLY USING CAPITAL LETTERS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS! And you don’t need to say you were drunk to get away with it.”