NEW TRUMP LAW: ‘DEAD-BY-DON’

US President Donald Trump has claimed the country’s criminal legal system is “a joke” and “a laughing stock”.

“We need a new law,” said Trump. “’Executed until proven guilty’.”

Trump said the ‘Dead By Don’ law will save time, money and breathing.

Lengthy court cases will be reduced to a statement from the Defence highlighting the accused’s permanent absence.

“We need quick justice,” said Trump.

“Being drawn and quartered takes too long. I’m asleep by the third quarter. The game ends faster with a death penalty.”

CITIZENSHIP SINKING

As the citizenship debacle destroys more Canberra careers than leadership spills, politicians are dropping like droppings.

The acting-like-a-Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has bravely reversed his previous statement.

“By saying ‘the High Court will so hold’, I meant the High Court will so hold … us accountable,” he said.

The virtual PM is spending his days doing head-counts.

It’s easier now some of the heads are in a basket.

MILLENNIALS TIMELESS

A psychology study has described the Millennials Generation as ‘ungrateful parasites’.

Millennials are almost as self-centred and ungrateful as Gen-X, Baby Boomers, Post-War Jitterbuggers, 1920’s Gatsbyites, Turn-of-the-Century Pre-Mods, Victorian Era ‘Tweens’, Elizabethan Era ‘Twixts’ and the snarling yoof of Ancient Greece.

Millennials’ parents are nearly as bad as The Flintstones.

TRUMP TWEETLESS

For 11 agonising minutes, US President Donald Trump’s Twitter account was deactivated.

A White House spokeswoman said: “It was terrifying. The President was forced to think in more than 140 characters.

“Before we could stop him, he jumped on the phone to North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and made his usual snappy, but vague, 140-character threats.

“But he was forced to finish his thought. Thankfully, Kim only thinks with one character and had already hung up. War was narrowly averted.”

The POTUS Twitter account, and world peace were restored before North Korea was converted into a fire emoji.

NAB ‘CARES’ ABOUT ‘CARING’

To cope with their disastrous $6,600,000,000 profit ($100,000,000 less than the hoped-for $6,700,000,000), NAB has sacked 6000 workers.

NAB has claimed it “cares” about the sacked workers and plans to chuck them on the street in a “respectful” way.

“Every sacked employee is a personal loan in the bag,” said a banking spokeswoman.

“We’re always caring and respectful to potential customers. It’s only when they become actual customers that things get ugly.”

MANUS BALLSUPUS

Manus Island is cheaper than ever, says Minister for Immigration Peter I-See-Dutton-I-Know-Dutton.

“Costs have plummeted since we cut off the refugees’ water and electricity,” said the minister.

“Eventually, they’ll abandon their protest camp and move to the facility being built by the PNG government. It’s non-existent – cheap!”

OTHER HEADLINES

BARNABY JOYCE & MALCOLM ROBERTS FORM ‘TWO NATIONS’ PARTY

HIPSTER DENIES BEING A HIPSTER

NO-VOTER ACTUALLY BELIEVES GOD IS INTERESTED

YES-VOTER PRAYS GOD ISN’T INTERESTED

FAKED MOON LANDING COST MORE THAN MOON LANDING