The Ferguson Report: It’s a Michaelia failure
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
MICHAELIA CASH CONVERTED
Senator Michaelia Cash has been questioned by a parliamentary hearing about a leak from her office tipping off media about AFP union raids.
Senator Cash denied the leak five times before confirming the leak.
A government spokeswoman said, “D’oh! Normally we drag denials out for months, stonewall, clutch our chests in horror, say we’re frankly offended, blah blah blah, but … oops. It’s a Michaelia failure.”
The spokeswoman denied the minister had made five denials.
“And furthermore, she did.”
‘NO’ CAMPAIGN BETTER THAN NO CAMPAIGN
The nation is tightly clenched awaiting the survey into whether the 50 per cent success rate of hetero marriage can be improved by LGBTI couples.
‘No’ campaigners are boldly clutching at straws.
“We’re clutching and clenching,” said a largely heterosexual spokesman. “Gay marriage will fade the curtains, confuse the milking cows. It’ll lead to blindness, obesity and climate change. Primary schools will teach jazz ballet like it’s a thing. Dog and cats living together – mass hysteria …”
An even more heterosexual spokesman said: “Cross-dressing, key parties and sodomy should stay in the bounds of hetero marriage where they belong.”
TRUMP BLAMES HILLARY FOR RISE IN HILLARY-BLAMING
US President Donald Trump has slammed Hillary Clinton for the rise in people blaming Hillary Clinton.
“It’s Hillary’s fault,” Trump said. “Once upon a time, I could blame everything on Obama. Even Hillary was blamed on Obama. But ‘Blamey Hillary’ is soaking up all my attention. It’s all her fault that it’s all her fault.”
WIKILINKS
Julian Assange and Donald Trump are still awaiting information on Russia.
“We’ve had plenty of leaks on Hillary over the years, but nothing on Trump or Putin,” said a shadowy, nerdy Wikileaker. “We are suspicious. By that we mean we are suspicious, not ‘we are suspicious’.”
INTERNET TROLL SURPRISINGLY SINGLE
“No matter how hard I try,” said an internet troll, “I can’t find an internet troll with any positive qualities, such as politeness, hygiene and a full pack of Kleenex.”
After years of trolling for trolls, the lonely geek is at the end of his tether.
“They’re so pointlessly rude,” he said. “It’s hard to like someone when they keep encouraging me to kill myself. Maybe things will improve when I turn 18.”
