The Ferguson Report: Australia Daze mayday

Tim Ferguson
Aug 25, 2017, updated Aug 26, 2017

Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND

The councils of Sydney, Byron Bay and Yarra have formed a committee to investigate new options for Australia Day.

“The first issue is what to call it,” said a spokeswoman. “So far, the best suggestion is ‘You-Know-What Day’. It avoids naming the continent where the historical horrors took place. Other options are ‘Wink-Wink Day’, or just an eyebrow wiggle.

The committee has explored renaming Australia with corporate sponsors. Frontrunners are ‘Telstra Island’, ‘Westpacland’ or ‘Try Google Search’.

“Our most popular idea is to make every day Australia Day,” said the spokeswoman. “Except January 26. It should please everyone, apart from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. But that’s no problem – they’re foreigners.”

BARE-FACED BURQA BAN

A recent poll has found 43.6 per cent of respondents expressed “strong support” for banning the burqa in public.

The respondents’ identities have been kept hidden.

THERE’S NO RESPECT LIKE NO RESPECT

The Turnbull government has denied the same-sex plebiscite has opened the door for a disrespectful debate.

“Loathing, bile and posters proclaiming ‘Stop Fags’ are signs of respect,” said a government spokesman. “And hateful bulltwang is civil, if spoken by a populist politician on the make or an evangelist soccer-mum in a tracksuit.”

As a sign of agreeing to disagree, the spokesman raised his middle finger and whispered: “Respect.”

POLITICIANS SHOCKED THEY CAN’T HAVE FREE STUFF

Some of Australia’s most senior politicians are surprised they can’t get a free pay-TV subscription worth up to $1600 a year.

“You’re kidding!” said a minister who wishes to remain anonymous.

“What the?” said a minister who wishes to remain a minister.

A government spokesman said, “just because it’s a free subscription from one of the nation’s most powerful media lobbying organisations doesn’t make it bad”.

“The rules about TV subscriptions are a grey area.”

When asked how grey, he said: “Very, grey, intensely grey. Now get lost, I’m watching the NRL replay.”

NO SEX PLEASE, WE’RE SKITTISH

Gay couples are worried marriage will kill their sex life.

“Because we’re not married, we can bang ourselves silly,” said a spokesman.

“Day in, day out, life is rampant rumpy-pumpy.”

A non-curious LNP conservative claimed he has changed his anti-same-sex marriage stance.

“I was scared of gay-marriage. But their unmarried bazooka-bumping is my biggest phobia. It’s so … icky. Therefore, in the name of all that’s prudish, vote Yes, Yes, Yes!”