The Ferguson Report: One Nation is in a class of its own
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
ONE NATION SENATORS SEPARATED FROM ‘NORMAL’ ONES
Senator Pauline Hanson has demanded kids with disabilities be separated from other children.
“Kids on the spectrum will be moved off it,” she explained to a gang of One Nation voters.
“The spectrum will be changed to a rainbow, but without all the distracting colours.”
The voters cheered, revved their Harleys, and shot a roadsign.
Senator Hanson declared One Nation senators will be separated from others.
They will work in a “Special Parliament” where they won’t distract other senators. She named her policy “Divided Nation”.
One Nation Senator Malcolm Roberts claimed, “There are 42 matches in the box, 150 members in the house, 76 senators in the upper house.”
He was swiftly separated.
CATHOLIC SCHOOLS PRAY FOR MORE MONEY
With the passing of the education package, Gonski 2.0, the Catholic Church’s habitual amassing of incalculable wealth has been threatened.
“We’re not made of money,” said an Archbishop. “We’re made of real estate.”
The Church has vowed revenge.
The opinion of Almighty God is a mystery.
The Archbishop said, “Who knows? Like Malcolm Turnbull, He claims He’s deeply conservative, but He has disturbing liberal leanings.”
YUMMY MUMMIES TV SHOW TASTES UN-YUMMY
One of the “yummy mummies” on the new Channel Seven reality television show claimed breastfeeding in public is illegal. A spokesman agreed, claiming, “Babies who go along with it are being trained for a life of crime.”
The show’s affluent mothers-to-be have been successfully used as a training tool: young women are deterred from pregnancy and men are deterred from women.
The flavour of the show has been likened to raw pork.
AUSTRALIA BOMBING IRAQ TO FIX THE PROBLEM
The Australian Defence Force is dropping historically high numbers of bombs on Iraq.
“This will fix it,” claimed an ADF spokesman.
“So long as no one gets born, bombed and grows up to seek revenge, problem solved. Next!”
Asked if civilians were in danger, he said, “We are bombing from waaaay up in the sky, so no civilians get hurt.”
A fake journalist asked, “But what if civilians are on the ground?”
The spokesman said, “There’ll be no civilians on the ground. The Americans are bombing first.”
IN OTHER NEWS:
UNIVERSITY MARXIST CLAIMS “ANY DAY NOW”
TEEN CLAIMS NOBODY HAS EXPERIENCED LOVE LIKE THIS
TINDER DATE BACKFIRES WITH EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS RETIRES TO RECORD ALBUM WITH JOHN FARNHAM
SEX NOT WHAT IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE
