The Ferguson Report: When the going gets down, doomed and Dutty, family is important

Tim Ferguson
Feb 01, 2019, updated Oct 01, 2020

GOVT HOPING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY

The intermittent Morrison Government hopes to spend more time with loved ones who’ve forgotten what they look like.

Ministers are rearranging deckchairs into a bonfire.

A government spokeswoman floating on a backbencher said, “Peter I-See-Dutton-I-Know-Dutton is looking forward to retiring to a Pacific island. If the accommodations are as good as he says they are, it will be like camping with lip-sewing activities.”

NEXT TRUMP SHUTDOWN WILL BE BIGGER

The White House claims President Donald Trump is hoping to avoid another shutdown by having another shutdown.

Trump is a casual government worker. He is hoping to avoid losing even more of his orange face.

“We can see it coming,” said an adviser wishing to remain anonymous until publishing his memoirs. “It’s an Eyes Wide Shutdown.”

BOWEN TO THE INEVITABLE

Opposition Treasury spokesman Chris Bowen has hit back at retirees who don’t like his plan to axe cash refunds for franking credits by kicking himself in the head.

“They are of course perfectly entitled to vote against us,” Mr Bowen said, employing a brilliant ‘Kamikaze’ sales technique.

A Labor party spokesman said, “We haven’t seen anything like this since the dazzling success of the 1980s New Coke campaign.”

Labor is planning a scare campaign against Liberal scare campaigns. “We have nothing to fear but fear of fear of fear itself.”

THE BANKING DEAD

Scandal-plagued wealth company AMP is reaping more than $100 million in fees every year from 1.1 million zombie super accounts.

A government spokesman guzzling formaldehyde said, “It’s proof the royal commission has fixed the banking industry. For the living, that is.”

An unhappy Zombie spokesman said, “Uuurrrg. Grrrrrrr. And furthermore, ugh.”

GETUP GETS DOWN AND DUTTY

Tony Abbot and Peter Dutton face an army of GetUp activists planning to door-knock households in their ‘financially comfortable as memory-foam undies’ electorates.

GetUp is a political organisation for people who won’t join actual political organisations, such as Labor, the Greens or the Palmer United Potty.

One GetUp follower squeezes in time for GettingUp between surfing and more surfing. This ‘inactivist’ said, “The people who’ve elected Mr Abbott again and again will like nothing more than being pestered by left-wing tub-thumpers who can afford to live in Manly.”

A spokeswoman with left wings on both sides said, “There is no one more convincing than an ex-Kings College hipster smelling of beard oil, quinoa farts and self-satisfaction he inherited from his estranged father.”