The Ferguson Report: Ivanka, Daddy’s little shadow
Ivanka Trump shortly before her awkward chat with some of the world's leaders. Photo: AAP
US President Donald Trump has taken his daughter Ivanka to Bring Your Daughter To Demilitarised Zone Day.
Ivanka joined Trump and North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un at a closed-door meeting where they spoke about North Korea’s nuclear weapons program and this summer’s range of safari suits.
Ivanka also wowed world leaders at Bring Your Daughter To G20 Day with her interruptions about something or other and her show-stopping comment on whatever.
An Australian diplomat was outraged. “Why did Trump bring someone so irrelevant?! That’s our job.”
Be it ever so humble, there’s not place like Home Affairs Ministry
Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton-To-Do-With-Me bravely batted away fake media questions by claiming “They’re matters for the department”.
When asked which department, he said, “Don’t ask me, I just run it.”
When asked if the Home Affairs department exists, he said, “That’s need-to-know, and I really need to know it.”
Quizzed over the department’s new non-soothing black uniforms, he said, “Go to the Menswear department, fourth floor.”
Japan has bigger whales to fry
Japan’s scientists have finally found a way to make whaling pay.
“We researched and researched for years,” said a scientist up to his neck in a blowhole. “Then we realised, maybe we can sell whale products!”
This idea is so out of the Bento Box it just might work.
Ironically, Free Willy is 200 Yen a kilo.
The love that dare not speak its acronym
Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese says the Labor Party must streamline ‘LGBTIQ’ references in its policy platform.
Albanese plans to replace ‘LGBTIQ’ with ‘The need to end discrimination on the basis of sexuality or gender’ or ‘TNTEDONBOSOG’.
An ALP spokeswoman describing herself as ‘Alphabet-curious’ said, “It’s as easy as ALPLBGTIQ.”
North Korea releases brave young Aussie moron
The gormless student was happily studying God-knows-what in the world’s most oppressive regime when he suddenly vanished, to the surprise of nobody.
A North Korean official in hand-me-down prison garb said, “We wish you’d send more naïve kids for us to mysteriously detain. Because when we give them back, you look diplomatically gifted and we look benign. It’s like Win-Win (an official who has also mysteriously vanished).”
In other news…
LOGIES JOKE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
JACQUI LAMBIE RUNNING AUSTRALIA AT THE MOUTH
MOON LANDING ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATIONS FAKED
BREASTFEEDING BABY FINED FOR PUBLIC LEWDNESS
TRUMP’S 4TH OF JULY PARADE INVADES CUBA
