Weird questions you’re too afraid to ask about your own body

If you’ve ever found yourself Googling your way towards certain death-diagnosing symptoms, then you’ll love doctor-turned-journalist and The Atlantic senior editor James Hamblin’s fascinating/hilarious/terrifying book, If Our Bodies Could Talk.
Drawing on his own considerable know-how as well as a wealth of interviews with medical and scientific experts, the tell-all body bible answers those niggling questions.
There’s everything from, “can a lost contact lens lodge itself in my brain?” (no, the space under your eyelids does not connect to your grey matter), to “why do males have nipples?” (no, it’s not because we all start out female in the womb. Reality is, there’s not much biological difference between us at all).
A rabbit-hole of revelations, Hamblin’s witty way of wrangling the big science-driven facts into a genuinely riveting, occasionally gross read will have you poking and prodding yourself inappropriately in public places.
Here are our favourite body shock facts.
Why do I only drool when I nap?
Newsflash: if you dribble excessively during a 30-minute disco nap, you’re watering the doona during your prescribed eight-hour night time-out too. The only difference is that the icky evidence has had more time to evaporate.
Why don’t my eyelashes grow as long as my fringe?
Apparently movie legend Elizabeth Taylor had at least two rows of eyelashes, helping define her distinctive look. For most of us, one is all we get, but why don’t they, as well as underarm or chest/leg hair, keep growing like the hair on our head?
Truth is, they do. All hair has a finite time span until its blood supply is cut off, effectively killing it to be replaced with a new strand. Head hair just happens to be on a three-month cycle compared to most other body parts on one month.
Why do I sweat so much?
Water conducts heat away from the body, so a film of sweat actually helps us to cool down on sticky summer days and shouldn’t be wiped away. You’re welcome.
Does drinking too much booze really blow my brain cells?
For most of us merrily flouting doctor’s unreasonable alcohol consumption recommendations, our brains will survive just fine. However, alcohol abuse can cause cognitive and emotional problems. You have been warned.
How soon is too soon when having sex?
According to the boffins, the average boffing time-span involving a human penis is three to 13 minutes. This compares to lazy lions on one minute or no mucking around marmosets on five seconds, because nature suggests mating is all about getting the job done quick.
However, there’s also a Semen Displacement Theory that posits more prolonged penile thrusting removes competitor’s deposits first. So there you go.
If my mucus is green I need antibiotics, right?
Ewww, gross. No. Snot colour does not determine whether your lurgy is viral or bacterial. Only that you’re not too hot right now.
Why do I eat more trashy food late at night?
Studies suggest that sleep-deprived brains crave more energy-packed food while resting metabolic rates drop too, so the tired body simultaneously takes in more energy while burning less.
This is why you get the munchies way more if you stay up late on a Netflix binge, why you’re more likely to crave a kebab while drunk at 3am than tipsy during the day, and also why you don’t wake up immediately starving in the morning, even if you had a marathon 12-hour sleep.