Kirstie Clements: Life’s a beach, then you diet. Now that I have the perfect cossie

Sometimes the internet just delivers – and when it does, it can be just like Christmas.

Sometimes the internet just delivers – and when it does, it can be just like Christmas. Photo: Getty

I decided I needed a new swimsuit. Or two. I’ve lost some weight recently, not a lot but enough to make me think I deserve to restock my wardrobe with new and exciting things, which is absolutely not true but I’m doing it anyway.

I’m quite dull when it comes to swimsuits. I pretty much always buy black, always a one piece. I don’t like the suit to be too high cut on the legs, I don’t need extreme padding, I don’t mind underwire but not so much that it makes you look mumsy. I don’t want lots of straps at the back so you get weird tan lines.

Basically I want an Eres maillot. But they cost $500-$600 (the company is owned by Chanel), which is significant, if not prohibitive.

I have a couple of utilitarian black Speedo swimsuits, vintage-inspired, and the quality is great, I’ve had them for years. But I needed, nay, wanted, an update.

I went to David Jones and there it was, straightaway, the perfect cut, like the one Cindy Crawford wore in her famous workout video. I would look like her, only 40 years older and a bit chunky. Made by Jets with a classic bra top, lightly underwired, nice discreet cut on the leg.

I suffered the ignominy of the swimsuit changeroom (although they have definitely fixed the lighting in the past few years) and bought it.

Then I spied the Hunza G cossies. I’ve been eyeing off that brand for ages, I love the soft crinkled, stretchy effect, they look so comfy.

Apparently they are one size fits all, which I like the sound of, but I don’t believe. But I had just spent $180 on my Jets costume and Hunza G hover around $280, $290. So I went home.

Perfect and cheap too

Then the internet did its thing, clearly reading my mind on the bus, because by the time I got home my phone had offered me a variety of black swimsuits.

I tried to ignore them but the next morning I was lying in bed and a swimsuit from Target Resort popped up on my Instagram feed. It was a “crinkle one-piece scoop suit” in black (it also comes in other shades, including pink, blue and khaki) and it looked really lovely. It had the Hunza G crinkle-look going on, for $40. I pressed buy.

I then went through the process that happens every time I make an online purchase. I got the alerts telling me it was packed, I got the alert telling me it was on the road, I got the alert saying that there had been a delay and that they would let me know at a future date, I got the alert to say they couldn’t deliver it, and it was now at the nearest post office.

My nearest post office is not near, geographically speaking, and it is impossible to park, so I’m often caught wondering its worth risking a $200 parking fine to collect the nonsense I bought on the internet when I was at a low emotional ebb. I ran into the post office, queued up among the koala-themed Christmas gifts on display, and claimed the swimsuit.

Girls, it’s a winner. It fits like a glove, it’s soft, lightly padded, flattering and the quality is really good. It’s also made from recycled polyester. $40. An early Christmas miracle.

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