That sinking feeling when you go shopping for a swimsuit
Sooo ladies, get excited. It’s swimsuit shopping time.
And yes to body-positivity and yes, we are all beach-body ready no matter what shape and size we are. But geez, I find it an unpleasant task.
I don’t seem to be very good at it, which is why I keep reaching for a black Sea Folly one-piece I bought about eight years ago. (I loved it so much I bought two black and one navy in the same style, so I have actually been rotating three.)
It’s just a great swimsuit for curvy women of a certain age – the halter neck is flattering, the half pads hold your bosoms up, the ruching across the tummy area is forgiving and the boy-leg cut means everything is neatly covered.
But I decided I should branch out. Body-positivity, let’s do it! I bought a pair of high-waisted black briefs, and a bra top with boning, hinting at a sort of Fifties pinup – if she had a largish roll of dimpled fat circling her ribs.
But my torso has not seen sun since I was about 12, and it’s a shade of greyish white not often seen in nature. So, nah. I then bought a Speedo rash top with long sleeves to put over the bikini, which all felt a bit over the top for a quick dip at Bronte.
Then, horribly hung-over one morning, I did some spectacularly unfocused internet browsing and found a fabulous zip-front, one-piece which I thought was a swimsuit with long sleeves and high-cut legs.
Wonderful! A sort of ageing Bond Girl look which would also prevent the harsh summer sun from creating more white spots on my skin.
My addled brain also did not do the correct calculation from UK pounds, so when I opened the box one week later I discovered that I had bought the most expensive designer wetsuit in Australia.
Undaunted, I returned to the internet and found a strapless one-piece, ruched across the tummy, in the most beautiful shade of sky blue. Done. It arrived and I remembered why strapless boob tubes are not a thing when you are a DD cup.
I bought a low-cut one-piece in black lace, with flirty frill details, because a wet flamenco dancer is a look we want to emulate. I tried a number of floral options, just for the sheer amusement on instantly adding 20 years.
There are, of course, current trends to consider – velvet swimsuits are a thing, something I’d back if they dry quickly.
High-waisted, high-cut bikini briefs are also a thing, hiked up high over the hipbones, ’80s style. This is quite a fierce look, even if you have discernible hipbones.
Itsy-bitsy, animal-print bikinis with your assets straining against the fabric are also the bomb, according to @Emrata, Kendall Jenner, the Kardashians and every other bikini model on Instagram so, yay.
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Orpheus in Leopard. Some sizes still avail!
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I’m going back to my old Sea Folly. I feel 100 per cent beach-body ready in that.
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