TRUMP ENJOYS A DAY NOT HEARING ABOUT TRUMP

US President Donald Trump has enjoyed a day with no media about Donald Trump.

“It’s such a relief,” said Trump. “No name-calling, no knee-jerking, no bull-twanging. Just golf and sweet, soothing denial.”

Trump is planning to pardon his children for all crimes while insisting they haven’t committed any.

A White House spokeswoman who can’t escape the building said, “It’s like when he joined Georgia’s Senate campaign to tell people the election was a fraud but to vote, vote, vote.”

Trump is busy packing his bag. It’s full of White House soaps, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and lots of vanity packs.

THE TIMES THEY ARE NOT REALLY CHANGIN’

Bob Dylan, the rebel poet has sold his entire catalogue to the Universal Music Group who are free to use his songs in commercials.

Possible new corporate campaigns:

News Corp: The Times They Are a Newspaper
Clairol: Blonde On Peroxide
Apple: Like A Rolling iPhone
Donald Trump’s 2024 Campaign: Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alt Right

WORKCHOICES DEAD, BURIED, RENAMED

Unions are planning workplace strikes against the federal government’s new/old industrial relations laws, known as NotChoices.

A government spokeswoman said, “It’s like WorkChoices without the work or the choices.”

The government has announced its new program – ‘JobLoser’ for “essential non-workers”. Its generous redundancy supplements are being hailed as farewellfare payments.

JABS WANTED

A new poll has found only half of Americans want COVID-19 vaccinations. The other half are not sure which wackjob tweet to believe.

A spokesmedic said, “That’s perfectly okay, either half of an American can be jabbed.”

One antivaxxer didn’t want to be a guinea pig so instead tried it on a guinea pig. It died. Ergo, vaccines are deadly.

WHITE SUPREMACY LET DOWN BY WHITE SUPREMACISTS

Police have arrested right-wingnuts for plotting to kill people they claim are plotting to kill people.

The extreme-ish plotters were surprised to be exposed after months of plotting, training and telling everyone.

One white supremacist agreed the term “white supremacy” is confusing, given white-males’ high rates of body odour, beerguts and baldness.

In other news …

• PEOPLE ALREADY BRAGGING TO NEWBORNS ABOUT THE HARDSHIPS OF LOCKDOWN
• PSYCHIC PREDICTS ANOTHER VISIT TO PSYCHIC
• DOG HAS ITS DAY, NOW WANTS ANOTHER
• ANTIVAXXER SANTA CLAUS WORLD’S BIGGEST COVID RISK
• CHIROPRACTIC PROVEN REAL BY THE UNDENIABLE EXISTENCE OF INVOICES

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson