The Ferguson Report: Peter Dutton keen on the hard cell approach

Tim Ferguson
Oct 04, 2019, updated Oct 04, 2019

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

DUTTON TO LAUGH ABOUT

Home Affairs Minister Peter ‘Potato Dressed As’ Dutton has called for climate change protesters to be jailed “until their behaviour changes”.

This means the activists could be jailed for the rest of their lives or until they finish their arts degree.

Mr Dutton urged citizens to photograph the protesters and distribute their images to “shame” them, ignoring that it violates privacy laws. Dutton suggests a long sentence, unfortunately he doesn’t know how to compose one.

As he spoke, protesters were glued to their televisions. Literally.

ROBERT DE NIRO TAKES DIALOGUE FROM GOODFELLAS

Actor Robert De Niro shocked CNN viewers by brazenly copying dialogue from the gangster movie Goodfellas when criticising FOX News. “F–k ‘em!” said De Niro, as if he made up the line himself.

The CNN host complained that such language was inappropriate for Sunday morning, a popular time for sex. A TV spokesman breathing heavily said, “People don’t want to be doing it while hearing old men talk about it.”

President Trump wants to use the expression next time he is sworn in.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES OUT

Ewan McGregor will revive his role as Obi-Wan Kenobi in the new Star Wars film Return Of The Bafflement.

Fans look forward to McGregor reviving his deadpan disdain at the befuddling story structure of The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Why Are We Still Watching.

With Ewan’s career in decline, he thinks this role could be a lightsaber.

BANKS ROBBERY

The four big banks (known at the banking royal commission as ‘Guilty As Overcharged’) will not pass on the RBA’s 0.25 per cent rate cut to anyone but themselves. Again.

Treasurer Josh ’Powerful Up To The Point Where He Isn’t’ Frydenberg said, “Customers should vote with their feet.” A customer complained that “I would, but I can’t hold a pencil between my toes.”

The Treasurer said Australians can now afford to put a deposit on a deposit on a bank loan for a deposit on a home. Out-of-the-Frydenpan is now laughing less than 0.25 per cent of the way to the bank.

SECRET REPORT SPRINGS A LEAK

A secret report has urged the government to create a “more positive narrative” on refugees without mentioning Nauru, Manus or reality. The government is seeking a new scapegoat to milk.