The Ferguson Report: Boris Johnson’s flaming ball of Brexit
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
THIN END OF WEDGE WEARING A BIT THIN
The thin end of the wedge has protested its overuse by conservatives.
“First, co-educational schools were ‘the thin edge of the wedge’ that would lead to girls and boys understanding each other. As if that was ever going to work!
“Then Pauline Hanson said the thin end of the wedge was that we’d be swamped by Asians. But thanks to our immigrant-fuelled economy, we beat the GFC PDQ. WTF?!
“Shock jocks say transgender is the wedge, the width and length of which is non-specific.”
“Cory Bernardi said gay marriage will lead to dog-marrying, polygamy and dancing. He was right – dogs will do anything for food.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH LOOKING GREENIE AROUND THE GILLS
David Attenborough has criticised the Australian government for behaving like an Australian government.
The naturalist is making full use of his degree in ancient histrionics.
Attenborough shoved words into the Morrison government’s mouth: “‘It doesn’t matter how much coal we burn … we don’t give a damn what it does to the rest of the world.”
But a government spokeswoman in coalface said, “The government never said those words. We prefer actions. Pass me the pick axe.”
‘I DID NOT LIE TO THE QUEEN,’ SAYS BORIS THOUGH THE SMOKE OF HIS FLAMING PANTS
The UK Supreme Court has ruled that PM Boris Johnson’s proroguing of Parliament was “unlawful” in a way that is too “pro-proroguing”.
Thankfully, in the Trump era, ‘unlawful’ has been simplified to ‘awful’. Awfulness is not against the law, as shown by the dress disasters at the Emmys.
Boris vowed to push ahead with Brexit because he has to. Europeans are resisting a deal because they don’t.
US President Donald Trump is keen to make a deal with Britain. At today’s prices, Britain will be cheaper than Greenland.
THE LYIN’, THE WITCH AND THE WHITEHOUSE
Nancy Pelosi, the US Speaker (who speaks fluent US), has commenced a witch hunt against President Donald Trump (who speaks fluent BS).
Democrats are bravely poised to lose the 2020 election, thanks to taking their eye off the Wall.
A Democrat building himself a granny flat in the dustbin of history said, “We’re trying to take the voters’ minds off the voters’ minds. Well-to-do Democrats love nothing more than a good old witch hunt. It’s the thrill of the chaise lounge.”
A Trump acolyte hiding a broomstick said, “Forgive POTUS. He didn’t know what impeach meant.”
In other news…
MANUKA HONEY HEALTH BENEFITS DERIVED FROM NATURAL BULLTWANG
HIPSTER SECRETLY SICK OF TURNING OVER VINYL RECORDS
VAPING 99% SAFER THAN CLIFF-JUMPING
COMEDIANS SUFFERING A BARNABY DROUGHT
MORRISON CONCERNED ABOUT KIDS’ ANXIETY UNLESS THEY ARRIVE BY BOAT
