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Five people we’d rather represent us at Eurovision

Since the announcement that Australian Idol winner Guy Sebastian would represent Australia at this year’s Eurovision, the public reaction has been one of disappointment and disdain.

While criticisms ranged from “too famous” to “too obvious”, no one has been harsher or more original in their appraisal of Sebastian’s appointment than Melbourne heavy metal band Barbarion.

• Listen to Guy Sebastian’s Eurovision song here
• The Sound of Music’s 50th anniversary: 10 essential film facts

“You’re sending a beige-coloured Volvo full of Subway rolls into a world full of high-camp theatrics and bonkers mayhem,” the band proclaimed in an open letter to SBS.

“The bloke’s gonna get destroyed.”

The seven-member Viking band might have a point.

A quick glimpse back at the Eurovision contestants of the past decade returns a bearded lady, a Turkey puppet, a troupe of Russian grandmas and a whole lot of pyrotechnics.

In comparison Sebastian looks a little, well, dull.

Plus, his chosen song – a self-penned dance track called Tonight Again – leaves a little to be desired.

Instead, perhaps a riskier option could catapult us from passable to unforgettable.

Here are our picks for the five Aussie artists who deserve a bid more than the reality show winner.

Sia Furler

Who: The Adelaide-born hitmaker wrote songs for numerous pop stars, including Christina Aguilera and Rihanna, before bursting onto the music scene with her own soulful brand of pop ballad.

Why we would win: As evidenced by her chart-topping creations like Titanium, Elastic Heart and Chandelier, Furler’s song would be so killer it wouldn’t matter what she did on the stage.

Why we wouldn’t: She’s not exactly an undiscovered gem and her refusal to show her face (she doesn’t want to get too famous) might be off-putting.

Costume: In trademark style, Furler would most likely perform facing a wall, wearing an oversized raincoat and a blonde wig while Barry Humphries pranced around in a leotard.

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Justice Yeldham

Who: Otherwise known as Lucas Abela, Sydney act Justice Yeldham likes to create new sounds out of bizarre non-instrumental objects, like playing a piece of glass … with his face. The result is a somewhat cohesive cacophonous symphony.

Why we would win: It’s weird enough that it just might work.

Why we wouldn’t: The guy smashes glass in his face so there will be blood. Not entirely safe for kids or people with any concept of normalcy.

Costume: Anything injury-proof.

Warning: this video is not for the faint-hearted.

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Betty Who

Who: Somewhere between Pink and Katy Perry stuck in the 1980s, the upbeat tunes of Sydney-born Betty Who (Jessica Anne Newham) are the definition of infectious.

Why we would win: The entire audience would have a riot of a time. Plus, you can still hear a charming tinge of Aussie accent in Newham’s verses.

Why we wouldn’t: She’s not ballad-friendly and the judges love a good warbler.

Costume: A retro-fabulous swimsuit in pastel colours, plus plenty of kitschy cool stage props (inflatable flamingos anyone?) and sky-high heels.

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Gotye

Who: Anyone who can lay claim to topping the Triple j Hottest 100 can surely lay claim to a shot at impressing a bunch of lycra-clad Europeans. Gotye’s (Wouter Andre “Wally” De Backer) hit Somebody That I Used to Know is evidence that he knows how to write a winner and a recent career lull means he’s ready for a comeback.

Why we would win: First of all, the name Wouter Andre “Wally” De Backer is highly Eurovision-friendly. Secondly, Gotye has the musical chops to pull off a pretty spectacular one-man show – he can play multiple instruments.

Why we wouldn’t: Gotye’s voice may not be strong enough to carry him through, but he could go the distance with a female voice in the mix.

Costume: Body paint à la the STIUTK video clip.

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Elektrik Dynamite

Who: The six-part metal band have been together since 2007, patiently waiting for an opportunity to showcase their Van Halen-style throwback version of rock and roll.

Why we would win: All that hair and effortless nostalgia are pretty hard to resist.

Why we wouldn’t: They’d have to up their songwriting game or call in some big guns to get the critical vote.

Costume: Anything from their own personal wardrobes. They already know what they’re doing style-wise.

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