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San Andreas is a terrible movie. You’ll love it

San-Andreas-Film-ReviewWhat do the American flag, Kylie Minogue and the Gold Coast have in common?

They all feature prominently in San Andreas, the latest CGI-heavy 3D disaster movie to hit the big screen.

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This one stars Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, a former WWF wrestler who, somewhere along the way, expertly parlayed his penchant for pumped-up physicality into an acting career.

We’re all very lucky he did.

Despite his complete lack of finesse, Johnson is a seriously loveable presence on the big screen and it’s his hilariously unabashed bravado that makes this movie such a crowd pleaser.

Johnson plays Ray, the macho pilot of a rescue helicopter, whose family life is in ruins after a tragic accident from his past.

He’s divorced and attempting to reconnect with his wife and daughter when disaster strikes in the form of an earthquake on California’s San Andreas fault line.

We’re not just talking a minor shake, we’re talking the entire west coast of the United States splitting in half.

You know, just your regular natural disaster.

The CGI in this movie is pretty darn impressive, but in 3D form it is downright absorbing.

You feel the vertigo, you feel the adrenaline, and you drop, lunge, dive, dodge and wince right along with the characters.

The movie is even more impressive when you consider that it wasn’t filmed in Los Angeles and San Francisco as the scenery suggests, but rather on the Gold Coast at Village Roadshow Studios. ‘Straya.

(We have a feeling that if The Rock smuggled his dogs in like a certain other Hollywood star, Barnaby Joyce may have had a little less to say on the matter.)

Anyway, back to the movie, which is drenched in horrendous one-liners, cringe-inducing scenes of sincerity and 50 shades of American patriotism.

A number of times you will catch yourself thinking “Oh they’re not really going to do th… Oh okay, yes. Yes they are.”

And more than once you will suppress a giggle when it’s clear the filmmakers intended it to be a sob.

Among it all is a slightly uncomfortable Paul Giamatti, who must be wondering how he went from Sideways to this.

Did we mention Kylie Minogue also has an entirely random and unnecessary cameo? Yeah.

The film's special effects are undeniably impressive.

The film’s special effects are undeniably impressive.

But let’s face it, you’re not there for the script. You’re not even there for the acting. You’re there to see explosions, mega waves and The Rock’s rippling muscles in high definition.

On that front, San Andreas seriously delivers. It’s pure unadulterated entertainment and not for a second does your mind wander to that bill you haven’t paid, that fight you had with your wife or the 30 bucks you just paid for cold popcorn and a soft drink.

Watching Johnson rescue people from entirely unlikely situations using completely unorthodox and ineffective methods is like drinking a delicious, very-bad-for-you cocktail. Or five.

There are all the familiar Hollywood tropes – the damsels in distress, the unlikely love stories, the emphasis on family above all else – but watching them is rather like embracing an old friend who won’t judge you for wearing track pants in public.

What’s important is that, underneath all the sweeping action, at the heart of the film is an undeniably compelling question – who will you be with when the world ends? And what would you do to save them?

We suggest calling The Rock.

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