Advertisement

The Ferguson Report: Tinder ghosts Russia without so much as a text

Tim Ferguson gives his take on the week's news.

Tim Ferguson gives his take on the week's news. Photo: TND

The owners of Tinder are leaving Russia. They’re seeking asylum in another country for a couple of hours before moving to the next, and the next …

Lonely Russians will now have to meet potential partners face to face, in real life.

They may even have to speak to each other.

Many are questioning Tinder’s late removal.

A Tinder spokesingle said: “It’s Tinder’s policy to avoid Russian to conclusions.”

VAPING TO BE ALLOWED ONLY WITH PRESCRIPTION AND ONLY AFTER SEX

Health Minister Mark Butler’s $234 million boost in smoking reforms is going up in vape.

He said: “Vaping was sold around the world as a therapeutic product to help long-term smokers quit.”

But this has proved as successful as the introduction of cane toads (who are now hooked on vapes).

To wean themselves off vaping, vapers are being offered free cigarettes.

Anthony Albanese admits he’s tried vaping but didn’t inhale.

Mark Butler has illegal vaping in his sights.

RBA VOWS TO HELP FAMILIES BY TAKING THEIR MONEY AND GIVING IT TO BANKS

The board of the Reserve Bank, wearing togas and sandals, have assembled on a mountaintop glistening with the gizzards of sacrificed renters.

An economic guesswork specialist accurately predicted the rise in interest rates “will work, or not work”.

The Treasurer said there were “worrying signs”. He promised to replace them with happy, feel-good signs.

“Public interest in interest rates has pushed interest rates higher. We want to return to disinterest rates, all in the public disinterest of course,” Jim Chalmers said.

Meanwhile, RBA governor Philip Lowe examined a renter’s throbbing spleen and happily announced, “The peak in inflation in Australia is now behind us!”

Everyone looked. But nothing was there.

ANTI-DRAG QUEEN SQUARES WIG OUT

Australians with nothing else to complain about are protesting against drag queens and all the colours of the rainbow.

Melbourne has been declared a disaster area with many locals in a state of frock.

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified,” said a protesting neckless steroid on legs.

An environmentalist who can take the fun out of anything complained the rampant drag queen outbreak creates “poise-pollution” and “glitter-litter”.

A drag queen named Suburban N. Coke [She/Cher] said, “We’re not too fussed, after all, boys will be girls.”

In other news…

  • JOYCE’S DEPARTURE FROM QANTAS DELAYED SIX HOURS, REROUTED TO DARWIN
  • SKY NEWS SAYS VOICE WILL CREATE APARTHEID BUT NOT THE GOOD KIND
  • RICH WHITE MONARCHISTS SLAMMED AS ELITIST BY RICH WHITE REPUBLICANS
  • KREMLIN REPORTS PUTIN BROUGHT DOWN UKRAINE DRONE WITH ENCHANTED HAMMER
  • U.S. THINK TANK THAT HIRED MORRISON DOWNGRADED TO ‘TANK’
  • CORONATION TO END WITH NICK CAVE SINGING ‘CANDLE IN THE WIND’
Advertisement
Advertisement
Stay informed, daily
A FREE subscription to The New Daily arrives every morning and evening.
The New Daily is a trusted source of national news and information and is provided free for all Australians. Read our editorial charter.
Copyright © 2024 The New Daily.
All rights reserved.