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The Ferguson Report: Harry and Meghan headlines still making you look?

Media research shows that you just can’t help yourself. You are instantly attracted to words like ‘explosive’, ‘bombshell’ and ‘none of your business’.

Unfortunately, a ‘Harry and Meghan Bombshell’ only explodes once. After too many explosions, they sound like wet firecrackers.

By February, the tabloids will have run out of fresh ‘disastrous disclosures’ that ‘provoke a massive tidal wave of momentary kerfuffle’.

Right-twang outrage merchants are panicked that Ginger and Meg will stop talking.

“If Harry shuts up, we’ll be reduced to whingeing about real royal problems, like the redundancy of the British monarchy.”

WEAPONISED US GOVERNMENT CHARGED FOR GUN MASSACRE

American politicians fear their government has been ‘weaponised’ for purposes other than normal mass shootings.

“Democracy is supposed to be messy,” said the Bughouse Majority leader, after a week when the lunatics ran the asylum into the ground.

“Congress works best when it’s all over the place like a mad woman’s shutdown.”

US Senator Rastas Norepeats The Third said, “Now politicians are being held to account.

“Glance at the US economy and you’ll see we can’t count.”

The Australian government has assured voters the AUKUS security alliance is strengthened by America’s unhinged, slap-face, shooting-in-aisle-five lunacy.

A defence spokeswoman said: “If it goes pear-shaped, we’ll be rescued by PNG.”

DUTTON WANTS MORE DETAIL ON THE VOICE, BUT NOT SO MUCH THAT IT SEEMS DOABLE

More details are demanded by Opposition Leader Peter Dutton-To-Show-For-It.

“It’s a delicate balance,” said a Liberal spokesman in favour of the Voice so long as it keeps its trap shut.

“We want details. But not so many details we have to stop complaining there are no details. But just enough details so we can complain there are too many confusing details.

“Will we be allowed to interrupt the Voice? Can we automatically incarcerate it? Will it be hosted by Delta Goodrem?”

The National Party, who represent the ‘silent Australians’, ‘invisible Australians’ and ‘non-existent Australians’, said: “We don’t need the Voice – we fixed all the problems faced by Indigenous people during our decade in government.”

Mr Dutton is recording a new version of John Farnham’s classic Voice anthem:

You’re the Voice, try and undermine it
Make a law but make it vague
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Seriously, horsey, whoa … whoa …
Stop!

In other news …

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  • OREGON ALLOWS USE OF ‘MAGIC’ MUSHROOMS, BUT ONLY IN VEGAN, ORGANIC, WHOLE GRAIN, BROWN RICE RISOTTO
  • EXPLOSIVE CLAIMS HITLER WORE NAZI UNIFORM TO BIRTHDAY PARTY
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