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The Ferguson Report: Oil industry surrenders to white middle-class activism

Tim Ferguson breaks down this week’s news – including Tony Abbott’s military idea.

Tim Ferguson breaks down this week’s news – including Tony Abbott’s military idea.

The world’s largest oil corporations have shut down due to a National Art Gallery protest described as “very, very Canberra”.

The shock news came after Andy Warhol’s anti-artwork artwork, Campbell’s Soup was spray-painted by white middle-class, university-educated activists with fancy Canberra accents.

An oil executive said, “We saw the tomato soup on the wall. What’s next? Urinating on Duchamp’s ‘Urinal’?”

An activist expressed relief. “Our next desperate measure was to play kazoos at the opera.”

When a spectator spotted a soup-hurling activist defacing an abstract portrait he said, “My three-year-old daughter could do that.”

Critics have heralded art gallery activism as a new movement – The Leaving a Bad Impressionists.

Exclusive leak! Morrison warned to stop leaking

The Attorney-General has warned former prime minister Scott Morrison to stop leaking national security information to journalists or face a stern frown.

Morrison avoided being charged by blaming his Ministers for Health, Finance, Industries, Science, Energy and Resources.

“National security only causes a false sense of national security,” said a spokeswoman. “Scomo is doing God’s work. We should stop beating around the bush and start listening to the burning ones.”

‘How green are my greens?’

The Greens have rejected the accusation they are a socialist party in hipsters’ clothing.

A spokesversion said, “The Greens are focused upon environmental issues such as the republic, education policy, interest rates, gender identity, bulk billing, dental healthcare, LGBTQIA+, student debt, the ANZUS Treaty, housing and taxation.”

As interest rates rise, Greens treasury spokesman Nick McKim accused the Reserve Bank of “running cover for big corporations”.

Sadly, nobody had asked him so nobody listened.

He went back to talking about anything but trees.

Mr McKim spoke until he was blue in the face, so he was asked to please leave the party immediately.

Tony Abbott wants national service for everyone under the age of Tony Abbott

Former swimwear model, Tony Abbott, says every young Australian should become a “trained infantry soldier”.

Abbott declared, “We will fight them on the beaches, in khaki Speedos.”

After two years in lockdown, young people’s anxiety and loneliness make them perfect for military service.

Unfortunately, teenagers could not hear Mr Abbott through their earphones.

The defence department has offered military training in bastardisation and also totalprickisation.

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