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The Ferguson Report: PM decides a republic is best if run by Britain

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news.

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has kiboshed holding a republic referendum after discovering our new head of state would be an Australian. From Australia. Born, raised and, most worryingly, educated in Australia.

“Anyone who’s met Australians will see the problem,” said a government spokeswoman.

“An Australian republic is fine, but we’ll be better off hiring a head of state from England. Sure, their teeth aren’t great, but they know their place (which is shrinking).”

Meanwhile, the republican movement is pushing for Australia to choose our head of state by popular election. This way, the presidency of Australia will go to whichever billionaire wants it.

Clive Palmer, Twiggy Forest and Gina Rinehart can each afford a presidential campaign, but seem reluctant after interest was expressed by Donald Trump. 

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN FOR SAVING THE POPULAR PRESS

Non-stop coverage of the death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will fill all TV news programming, until King Charles dies and we start all over again.

“We’ve been saved by the Queen’s funeral death-stival,” said a news producer, who does not actually produce news.

“Ukraine can’t expect to maintain Australia’s attention without a bushfire, shark attack or Meghan Markle,” he said.

“Watching coverage of the Queen’s death is just like watching The Ashes,” said a royal gotcha-watcher. “Following her casket at dawdle-speed to London was the most exciting TV since the test pattern went colour!”

Clearly, forelocks are not the only thing Australia’s media are tugging.

GOVERNOR-GENERAL STILL HANDING OUT JOBS TO THE BOYS

Australia’s Governor-General, Whatsisname W. Tipofmytongue, has signed in Prince Charles as the new King of Australia without asking if it’s allowed.

Charles politely declined the Governor-General’s sweetener of a ministry or two.

The G-G and PM swore “obedience” to King Charles III.

And yet, they are our “leaders”. It’s complicated.

US CONSTITUTION’S SECOND AMENDMENT PROTECTS THE RIGHTS OF AMERICANS TO BE ARMED AGAINST AMERICANS

So far this year, America has averaged two mass shootings a day.

“We can do better,” said a spokesman for the National Rifles, Pistols, Guns, Glocks & Pea-Shooters Association.

One gun owner, very, very angry at the wind, was arrested for shooting the breeze.

President Joe Biden will give an urgent speech about gun control as soon as people stop killing each other.

In the United States, when a man shoots his mouth off, it just means he’s a lousy shot.

 In other news…

QANTAS NOW FLYING TO VERY BUSY SCHOOL HOLIDAYS DESTINATION: THE AIRPORT

YOUNG URBAN GANG MEMBERS NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OLD URBAN GANG MEMBERS

UNCONSCIOUS RACISM NOT A THING SAYS CONSCIOUS RACIST

CASINO SEEKS LICENSE TO PRINT LAUNDERED MONEY

ANGRY HAEMATOLOGIST SEES RED

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