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The Ferguson Report: Peter Dutton wants us all to ‘stop doing that’

All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson.

All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson. Photo: TND

Whatever it is you’re doing, Opposition Leader Peter Dutton, wants you to stop.

He’s warned you before and can’t make it any clearer. Stop it.

As his first Oppositional act, Dutton opposed the Jobs and Skills Summit, saying it should stop… then slowly reverse.

Dutton spoke about the head of the ACTU. “I think Sally McManus is a throwback from the 70s,” he said.

But a scientist replied: “The most common throwback from the 70s is Queensland male politicians over fifty.”

Meanwhile, Dutton just said that you’re still doing it.

EXTINCTION REBELLION MEETING MOSTLY POPULATED BY ASIO AGENTS

Undercover agents have infiltrated Extinction Rebellion to such an extent that the group’s spelling and grammar have improved.

Authorities are concerned the activist group is planning to bring the world to its knees by momentarily inconveniencing traffic.

Meetings of the group are mostly made up of the Australian Federal Police, ASIO agents and undercover Young Liberals.

None of these agents has been told about each other, so they continue to remain ‘in character’. This involves arguing about which T-shirt fonts are triggering.

And, crucially, who can borrow their mum’s car during peak-hour.

A new documentary is in the works – Extinction Rebels Without An Effect.

AMERICAN CIVIL WAR FEARS USED AS JUSTIFICATION FOR CIVIL WAR

According to a new survey, 43 per cent of Americans believe civil war is likely in the next 10 years.

But it’s not all good news. Donald Trump is expected to survive.

McDonalds are cashing in on the next civil war with their new range of Gettysburgers.

CAT TRANSLATION APP REVEALS MOSTLY SNIDE INSULTS

A new artificial intelligence app translates what your cat is saying, as if its imperious demeanour doesn’t say it all.

When a cat refused to speak to MeowTalk, the app said: “What’s the matter? Got your own tongue?”

Interestingly, the app discovered that cats have over 300 ways of saying, “I’m not talking to you.”

It was also revealed that Polly did not want a cracker after all.

In other news…

INFLATION FORCING SUPERMARKET HOARDERS TO EAT TOILET PAPER

DISORIENTED SHAQ O’NEAL FOUND WANDERING THE STREETS ENDORSING THINGS

SUICIDAL MIME ARTIST SIGNALS THE END

ALBANESE ACHIEVES MORE IN FIRST 100 DAYS THAN ENTIRE CABINET OF 12 MORRISONS

RUSSIAN EXEC WHO OPPOSED WAR ACCIDENTALLY FALLS OUT OF BED, ROLLS ALONG THE FLOOR, CLAMBERS TO HIS FEET THEN FALLS OUT WINDOW

TAYLOR SWIFT ANNOUNCES NEW ALBUM, PREVIOUS BOYFRIEND GOES INTO HIDING

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