A recent US survey shows 17 per cent of Americans agree with the statement that “a secret group of Satan-worshippers has taken control of parts of the US Government and mainstream media”.

The respondents do not specify if this is a bad thing.

A spokesman for Satan said: “The Dark Lord Who Shall Not Be Named But You Know Who I Mean is disappointed. That 17 per cent is proof the worldwide Satanic cabal cannot keep a secret.”

Psychologists suggest we “listen to conspiracy theorists with respect and patience”.

This is proof that psychologists are already enslaved by the Satanic ding-bot lizard-people.

To hear more, have a COVID vaccine and press your head against a 5G tower.

LIBERALS TAKING A GREAT LEAP FORWARD BY HIRING TONY ABBOTT

Liberal Party moves are underway, underfoot and undercooked to move Tony Abbott into the Senate.

“The electorate demands we change direction,” said a Liberal alternative-factotum. “So we are going backwards.

“Mr Abbott represents the new direction of the party. He looks great in teal Speedos. And he’s a woman.”

Protesters stand in front of the classic painting which was sprayed with the Woodside logo. Photograph: Disrupt Burrup Hub

ACTIVISTS DEFACE PAINTING WITH THE WOODSIDE LOGO, PRESUMABLY FOR PROMOTIONAL PURPOSES

Two WA climate protesters have narrowly avoided relevance by defacing Frederick McCubbin’s renowned painting Down on His Luck with the Woodside Energy Group logo.

An activist wearing Floaties said: “The protest’s statement is deliberately ambiguous. Is it a protest against paintings? Is it a condemnation of the picture’s ‘down on his luck’ man, for being white, privileged and homeless? Or is it just easier than chaining yourself to a bulldozer?”

Visitors to the Art Gallery of Western Australia said the defacement “lacks impact”, “verges on cliche” and “needs more pumpkin soup”.

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