WARNING: Spoiler Alert

It’s been almost a year since we were last in Westeros, but it appears time has stood still in the Seven Kingdoms.

It was somewhat cruel of DB Weiss and David Benioff to re-initiate us with that opening shot of Jon Snow’s blood-soaked, lifeless body but hey, it’s all anyone has been talking about.

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In case you were wondering, Jon Snow is definitely dead (for now), confirmed by Ser Davos Seaworth’s declaration: “He’s gone.”

There was a brief moment of hope when Melisandre appeared and we held our breath for a freaky out-of-the-flames revival, but even she looked defeated.

WE GET IT, HBO. He’s dead. Stop rubbing it in. Photo: HBO

On that note, let’s quickly discuss that last scene that left many viewers confused and a little grossed out.

We saw Melisandre undress for bed and shed her beguiling facade for the first time to reveal an old, shrivelled woman.

There you have it – the temptress all the men in Westeros have been pining after is a Granny. Some clever fans had already gleaned that, given Melisandre’s uncanny ability to survive, she is immortal and her youthful appearance is a merely a guise.

Me when I go out vs. Me when I get home and take my bra and makeup off. #GameofThrones #RedWoman pic.twitter.com/k5DAbYXY3N

— Olivia Caridi (@OliviaCaridi) April 25, 2016

Her age points to another fan theory which may serve to explain her power and influence in the show. Highlight the below text if you want to know what it is.

[Some believe Melisandre’s true identity is Shiera Seastar, the bastard daughter of King Aegon IV Targaryen and half-sister to Brynden Rivers, also known as the Three-Eyed Raven.]

Now that we’ve dealt with the weirdness, let’s catch up with our other favourite characters.

Winterfell

Things are getting hectic at the former Stark stronghold. Sansa and Theon bolted from the Boltons and we find them on the run and in need of a saviour.

That saviour is Brienne or, as one of the Bolton guards describes her, “a bloody woman!”.

In a scene that will have you screaming “GIRL POWER” at the top of your lungs, she fights off several armed guards alongside Podrick before offering her protective services to Sansa, who gladly accepts them.

As for Ramsay, he’s copping it from his Dad for losing the only reason the North will ever back the Boltons: Sansa.

Oh, and he fed the dead body of his ex-girlfriend (Myranda) to dogs. Charming.

Okay, so they had to swim through ice-cold water to escape the hounds. But at least Reek got a free bath? Photo: HBO

King’s Landing

Meanwhile, zero fun is being had in King’s Landing.

Cersei receives the bad news her beloved daughter Myrcella is dead from her brother/lover/baby daddy, Jaime. They hug it out and discuss the phenomenon of decomposition. Romantic.

As for Margaery, she’s still in prison with Septa Unella reading religious scriptures to her and incessantly telling her to confess.

“It’s alright, babe. The new haircut suits you and it’s very on trend.” Photo: HBO

Dorne

Dorne is definitely becoming the bloodiest city in the realm thanks to Ellaria Sand and her Sand Snakes, who have decided they’re fed up with “weak men” ruling their city.

They brutally stab Prince Doran Martell and his son, Trystane, to death. You will recall Trystane was Myrcella’s boyfriend, officially making them the star-crossed lovers of the series.

It’s not a good time to be a dude in Dorne. Photo: HBO

Meereen

Meereen is burning (literally) in Daenerys’ absence, but Lord Varys and Tyrion seem unfazed. They have a walking strategy meeting during which Varys throws shade, telling Tyrion he “walks like a rich person” and Tyrion hits back with a “you have no penis” jibe. Burn.

We’d watch a whole episode of these two just chewing the fat.

“Five bucks if you tell us where the closest pub is.” Photo: HBO

Somewhere in Essos

After everything, Dany is back where she started at a Dothraki camp, at risk of being raped.

Thankfully our Khaleesi is a multilingual queen with serious negotiating skills. She gains immunity by revealing she is Khal Drogo’s widow. Dothraki law makes a Khal’s widow off-limits. It also says all widows have to live out their days in a creepy temple.

Hopefully Dany won’t be spending too much time there though because Daario Naharis and Jorah Mormont are hot on her tail. There’s a nice moment between the two men, who are clearly both smitten with her.

“I want to see what the world looks like when she’s done conquering it,” Daario says. Jorah agrees, but not without wistful look down at his wrist, where the Greyscale is spreading.

The Dothraki appear to have lost their manners along with their shirts. Photo: HBO

Braavos

Dark times for Arya Stark, who is blind and begging on the street after betraying the Faceless Men.

The resident mean girl of Braavos, Waif, decides to take this opportunity to hit her with a stick to teach her a lesson about resilience.

While this suggests she and the Faceless Men plan to train Arya to fight without vision, to everyone else it just looks like she’s beating up a blind girl.

Leave Arya alone, you big bully. Photo: Getty

The Wall

With Jon dead, the mood at The Wall is testy. Ser Alliser Thorne was never Mr Congeniality but he’s sunk even lower in the opinion of the Night’s Watch.

Ser Davos isn’t keen to keep him around for long, so bands together with Jon’s mates to hatch a plan.

Here’s hoping they can remove the Thorne in all of our sides.

Just in case you didn’t get the memo: he’s dead. Jon Snow is not alive. Photo: HBO